Failing to fail….

I’ve spoken before of the word ‘failure’ and the negative connotations that ruminate around it. I stand by my opinion that failing shouldn’t be deemed a saddening thing.


This is where I find my new challenge. My failure to let myself fail is hindering my progress. Well let’s be honest…it’s grinding it to a halt! Previously I have welcomed failure as a marker for improvement. Now, however, I can’t seem to take the lid off the pen and draw that bloody line! For weeks I have ignored the signs and pushed myself to breaking point. This need to succeed, to hit perfection is a blight on an otherwise successful journey.


With a recent re-visit to the mental health team, my medication will be reviewed, and a visit to the psychologist is just around the corner. I can’t put my finger on this feeling I have. Anxiety leaps from zero to a hundred at the blink of an eye. I feel something I have felt before but it’s under the surface and ever so slightly different. It is this worry, I think, that keeps me gently simmering, never knowing when I might boil over once again.


In Search of the perfect recovery I have inadvertently and ever so gradually made a U-turn. Now that I face the opposite way, directly in front of me lies the starting line. Though it may just be a dot on the horizon, it is signalling for my return.


Have I done this to myself? Or do I need a tweak in the pills department? Have I stopped talking and reverted back to bottling my emotions?


When so much positivity has led me to this point, I don’t want to be the reason it is all wasted and I certainly don’t want to carry on down this road. The steering wheel is under my control so surely I can spin it back around?…..can’t I?


Accepting failure helps level you out, it sets a point in time in which to improve. Whether that take a day, a week or a year, accept it as a positive. I can write this now, but I need to put it back into action for I fear the consequences. Embrace failure and strive for improvement…

Daily drivel #9…. gnawing gremlins & cuckoo clocks….

After a tiring spell at the gym yesterday, I’m feeling rather fatigued. Getting there was a tough start to the day, but with hood up and earphones in, I just about managed a back workout. Throughout, my mind was running a mile a minute. I could almost smell the burning cogs as they all but buckled under the strain.

Today, an increase in my medication was a necessity. Broken sleep and waking with cogs still turning, silence would be a blessing.

A touch of positivity is trying it’s hardest to sprout, like a dash of green in a crusted, parched desert. That would be a sense of achievement. That golden sweet essence amongst dank misery. I managed the gym, a successful workout and that puts a lil smile on my face.

Success is short lived however, anger and frustration at incoherent bullshit in my head trips me up and I face plant in to hatred for myself and everything about me! Gnawing at the very tissue that regurgitates conversation and interaction, self doubt and nonsense soup, is this festering gremlin that wants me to implode.

Tonight I will probably fail at sleep, grow the frustration from a meagre, yet powerful sapling into a mighty, zombie-esque oak! And tomorrow it will start all over again or just build on it’s impressive progress.

Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start….but is it? How can one keep going when the inevitability of utter shite is around every corner, lingering within every interaction and peering down from the cuckoo clock of a brain I have?!

I just want a day….I’ve had a taste for it….I want more, I need more….

Back at the beginning….fresh eyes….

With an up and down phase upon me, I feel I’m on an eternal roundabout. I’ve stopped writing, stopped looking for that treacherous, yet happiness invoking, next step. I feel I’m on a perpetual rollercoaster, same thing, different day. I guess the only change is whether, at the end of each day, I’m smiling or frowning. A daily game of swing ball, rematch after rematch, never a definitive win or lose.

I took an interesting and much needed trip to where much of my journey began. Back to the mental health team. I’m almost two years in and I just couldn’t reach that next milestone. Progress…..that recurring word, my worry of putting too much pressure on it has finally appeared, popping it’s head above the sand while simultaneously burying mine. ‘Hide!’ I scream to myself, ‘cower away from all that challenges you’ I plead. ‘Your safe places are becoming but a myth’ a voice…my voice, whispers.

Sat in that room, concentrating on every word spoken, yet struggling to keep focus. Unknowingly scratching at my palm, a nervous twitch, only apparent once I’d left. Hand red raw, apposing thumb numb. I think I heard everything. I think I replied in the best way I could. It’s a strange feeling, knowing where you are, knowing you’ve spoken but not remembering much of it. A vague sense of intrigue, to be a fly on the wall. The very wall in which I sat by, myself in the room where a fly could better relay what went on.

Fresh eyes are what I need. Replace this tired view in which I can no longer see what lies ahead. I want positivity, a prolonged sense of achievement once again. Instead of this ‘oh here we go again’ feeling I now fester in. To enjoy a singular day without the fear of decline, tiredness and a fatigued mind. The anxiety to piss off and leave me the hell alone!

One day I will smile, accept the frowns and end with a smile. My life will forever be gauged by these smiles and frowns, I just want the control back in my corner….

Nightly notion #11….

Tonight is one of those nights. One with tired eyes but a busy brain. Until I stop and think…or not think…thoughts are a mile a minute. Fleeting and forgotten. Imagine fanning through the pages of a dictionary, A-Z quick as a flash. What do you see? What do you remember seeing?

Rain on the window is soothing, a temporary break from my dictionary conundrum. Snoring dog with active dreams, a chuckle to lighten the mood. Tis all good I tell myself, Aardvark and Zephyr….who cares what else supersonics it’s way through. Forgettable thoughts and notions are probably not worth the bother.

So how to shut it down, where is this off switch? If I count sheep I’d no doubt have to give them all names. Lambchop and Doris would be mum and dad. Grandpa Gravy and granny…..How’s about reading, replace incoherent with coherent, meaningful words on a page?

You know just writing is sometimes enough to adjust the dimmer on the off switch. I’m still smiling and I can’t wait for the day tomorrow. A break from doing too much is still on the cards, let’s make it to the psychiatrist next week and go from there.

Goodnight all and pleasant dreams 😊

Time to reflect….

As time runs away, days roll on by and the regular thought process, that of negativity, would poke it’s googly eyes from under it’s rock. What are you doing with your life!?! That incessant analysis of what is simply a day gone by would play over and over.

Well these last few days, well since I last posted, I’ve had a bit of time to reflect. A positive summary of a journey that is far from over, it’s barely even begun. And that’s the achievement from my time away from the pen, paper and computer screen. An honest look and appreciation of this incredible trip, from the depths of despair, to where I stand now, and beyond.

Yes I’m back in touch with the mental health team because I’m struggling. I see this as a positive, however. A positive which will, in turn, cancel out the negative feeling. I’ve been finding everyday things difficult. I’ve mentioned before of how too many voices within a conversation blur my lines of understanding and my head begins to liquidise. Too much going on around me or noise from various sources. It’s all too much but something I feel I have to conquer in order to fully recover and progress in life.

So my meeting with the psychiatrist is next week and I’m feeling good about it. Do I feel I’m stepping in the wrong direction? No! Once upon a time I would’ve said yes, for sure this is a backwards step. That in itself shows me how far I’ve come and how progression comes in all forms. A positive step back in order to leap forward.

If I can keep this mind-set and use it until it’s bruised and battered, continue and set it in stone. I will be a happy chap. I guess only time and perseverance will tell.

Take a step back, admire your achievements and take an almighty leap on your way to achieving more!

Smile, always 😊

Out of the blue….a killjoy….

Halloween has been and gone, roll on the next date of significance! Bonfire night is next, a special day as it’s my mother’s birthday. I only hope we can all enjoy the day without my inability to cope with social situations cropping up and ruining it all.

To be fair, as a family we enjoy the company of each other rather than a big social event. So that’s what we will be doing, having family time. That doesn’t mean my anxiety and mind mush won’t storm in, out of the blue, bold as brass and kill all the joy in the room. It happened on Halloween. Cooking, eating, playing Pictionary and walking through the village in the dark. The kids enjoyed it, and so did us adults!

But, just like a turd rolled in glitter, cracks started to show. The facade of glitter, cascading off to reveal my ugly mind that just won’t let me enjoy myself. It’s as if a debate goes on betwixt my ears…..’okay, he’s had fun for a few hours now, all those in favour or shutting him down raise your hand’…. And that’s it. No turning back, no chance of recovery. Marring the entire day, staining it with my inability to cope once again. It doesn’t seem to matter how good I’m feeling as a whole, my mind will always fatigue.

Memory of the night is patchy unless I really focus. As if a mental block sits in my way. I know we all had a good time and I know I was up for longer than I was down. But all I seem to remember is a struggle. A mass of voices, lights and background noise. I can’t put my finger on what the noise was or if the voices were in the room or my head, but I do know it’s shown me a lot. It’s shown that no matter how far I’ve come, a big issue still lies in front of me. How can I possibly get back to a normal life when more than two voices in a room become too much. When background noise, whatever it is, takes over and becomes too much.

I want to remember good days without having to fight through the garbage my mind makes a priority. I want to have good days without ending in struggle and torment. I want this blog to get back to it’s positive days….

Tranquil….yet deafening….

There are moments throughout the day, perhaps a week, where the peace of an empty garden is lost amongst a hoard of noise trapped in my acoustic mind, orchestral without an ounce of class. Just being, just enjoying is impossible. A sad and lonely time where time itself seems to stand still.

If the symphony in question was just that, a symphony, then perhaps I would be content in letting it pass by. It is me, myself and I contorting every unnecessary thought and question in to a bloody mess. It’s no mean feat to take a Beethoven sonata, quash it and turn it in to a mechanical cluster fuck of unnecessary bullshit! Franz Schubert into screaming cats or a Johann Sebastian Bach to a whirring cement mixer filled with broken glass and unsuspecting lemmings! Silence is the masterpiece I wish I could hold on to, or at least find at times like this.

I put my socks on the other morning, right then left. Nothing strange in that is there? No, of course not. Then the question pops in to my ever welcoming head…would I somehow be unhappy if I did it the other way? Would it spark a torch of good feeling and somehow make this day the best ever? Whilst mulling this over, I contemplate taking them back off, for test purposes obviously. In the time it takes me to muddle over this pig swill, my pug had got himself back to bed and was snoring the house down!

This is a minor example of the ridiculous lengths my brain goes to, so it’s owner, me, feels as though there aren’t enough pills or doctors in the world.

When in conversation, usually a response to something, a question, a statement, just general chit chat, is off the cuff and spontaneous to a degree. I find myself analysing, not only the words I’m hearing but the words in which I plan to release into the world. More often than not, spontaneity rules after all as I decide anything else is just garbage.

Talking one on one is okay, not so much with new people, but when a third voice jumps in to the mix….no chance. At first I’m grasping the conversation by the short and curlies! Then, gone, I cannot catch up and my contribution is done. I sit vacant, with a touch of bewilderment and ‘please help me!’. Conscious of the goings on around me, the people, the sounds, even where exits are. A buzz of surrounding noise turns to a blender filled with bricks. A colossal wall of noise, frightening and unstoppable!

I write this now, on a good day. One of the above days behind me, swearing at me in the rear view. Knowing in itself that it will soon hop into an F1 car and catch up to my rickety banger! That doesn’t mean to say I’m dwelling or waiting for the bad times. It’s just nice to get it out….