Today is a bad day, but what is bad?….. I’ve been here before, questioning what and why I feel. Is this my defining trait? Questioning everything. Pushing out any other thought, mashing the potato between my ears. Only to see no end to this circle of soupy shite!
I long for a hard day that doesn’t involve thinking. One where I wish for a recliner to take the wait off my feet… I’m afraid my aching will always sit at the opposite end to my feet.
What is it that defines me? Is it my illness?
Along with the voices and involuntary arguments with myself, I also voluntarily do this…this deep querying, investigating the reasons behind things. I barely even know what I’m asking myself, or why I’m even asking. But once I’ve started, that’s it…. as if I don’t have enough going on in there!! Pure masochism!! Seems I’m on a road I chose to go down, I chose self destruction. The sign in the funny horrors, ‘left for ice cream or right for mental torment & sadness’ I turn right every time.
You may read this and think, that’s a bit much! But I can’t see a bad day going by without this war, this battle, me versus me being the focal point. It just wont shut up!
When a seconds break does show itself, I manage to squeeze in the thought that tomorrow will be different, I’ll wake up happy. Whether or not I believe this is besides the point, I’ve jammed a positive thought in amongst the mire. A sparkling star amongst this festering black hole.
But is it enough? Enough to get me through this day, or the next, even the next week if positivity evades this clouded mass, this think-tank I can’t apply a cork to. Could this go on forever…..
The answer to this is frighteningly evasive, mute and seemingly nonexistent…..
Once again, spilling words has somehow pressed pause. It isn’t everlasting, it is brief, short-lived. Tranquil and beautiful.
Whether I post this is down to the scheduling Gods and the inscesant want to delete….it is just a bad day I tell myself, just a bad day….