To look back is frightening. Not only to 18 months ago, but further. To see and re-live past events, choices and misfortunes only to think ‘is it this that made me who I am today?’.
Living in the past is a definite bad choice and will inevitably only lead to our immediate future being wasted. But is it dangerous to even peer at the gremlin on your shoulder? A quick glance in the rear-view mirror before motoring off in to the future sunset?
For me it seems a likely scenario that I will dwell, fester and become stuck in a never ending time loop of past regrets, mistakes and miseries.
The fear of regressing back to that dreadful December of 2016 isn’t as irrational as I once thought, it’s a constant and lingering threat. Even further back scares me even more, strangely, to become the person I was to hide the real me. That’s what sits on my shoulder, that’s the gremlin.
After a few weeks of ups and downs, a fall into the never ending circle of shite was inevitable. It happened. Confusion, tears, agitation and anxiety attacks pursued.
Not knowing what to do, I ran to the safety of family, my mum. Hiding the gradual decline, just made things worse. Be open and let the people that care, help. I should’ve listened to my own advice and talked it out or at least let people see. See the real me, struggling and falling. Without the fear of losing that little bit of independence and growth already gained. My mum will always be that – my mum…
Staying at my mum’s has helped no end, a feeling of freedom and a weight lifted. That gremlin still present, the past still haunting but a little easier to cope with again. But for how long? Perhaps I shouldn’t question it….just accept it, tis a good thing…..
Each day brings a new challenge, a new battle, so why let each build up and bring you down. Let go of the shite, the rubbish and turmoil and take each day as it is…..new and fresh