To say I’ve fixed a problem would be bold. To say I’ve conquered and surpassed it, even bolder. To say I’ve found a sneaky shortcut may be a cocky and assured notion, but I think this is as close to a description as I can get.
I’m talking about anxiety. A fear of people and crowds is that of deep and hateful torment. Noise and commotion a trigger. I’ve never been one for socialising or even conversation. As much as I’ve come to accept attacks, they’ll never be okay, never a delightful experience. Always a terrifying ordeal and something I never want again. But a sense of ‘it’ll pass’ seems a new undercurrent to the anxious fog and thunderstorm.
After playing around with the times I take my medication – with the psychiatrist’s okay – I’ve found that a sense of control has snuck it’s way in.
This, however isn’t the sneaky shortcut. I’ve found that during an attack, music is an escape from the situation I find myself in. Earphones in, music of any sort – from classical & soul to heavy metal & R&B – I’ve realised that the sounds from all around are a large problem for me, as well as all the people and goings-on.
So to effectively mute my surroundings, my frazzled mind only has to deal with the sights and atmosphere. Do I feel rude and ignorant having silenced any incoming voice or sound? No. Do I feel immense glee that I’ve un-fogged a miniscule part of my anxiety? Also no. But it’s a pathway to a possible future where anxiety and panic are no longer needed in my vocabulary. Giving me a chance to overcome each sense at a time.
It may be a little victory, but as I’ve said before, these are important. And I’m smiling. Smiling at my little accomplishment 😊😊