Keeping busy….or wasted time….

As the day slowly trickles by, I sit in a daze, planning my next move. That trickle soon starts to run like a river. Before I know it, it’s reached the sea and the long hike to it’s beginning stands in front of me.

When the gym is the plan, or an amazing set of ingredients lie before me, I prematurely feel a sense of achievement. The day has not been wasted in a daze, it’s bound to be a good day. A daze can be that of innocence or one of turmoil, both feeling like a waste. All we have is time. All it does is pass by. So with the gym or cooking, and even gardening, achievement is achieved….

What to do with those pissed away days of unfulfillment? Just the thought process behind this thought process gives me a headache, still wasting the time as it drifts on by.

I try to enjoy the quiet days, attempting mindfulness to no avail. Being mindful and fretting over the passing time are complete contradictions. Do I stay focused on filling my days in order to become stronger, physically and mentally? Or do I find peace in doing nothing, learning and strengthening my mind in tranquility? If the latter is the choice, how do I accomplish it?

Finding a balance seems to be key. To fill every day at this point in my recovery could be detrimental. And on the same note, tormenting myself on empty days will do the same. How does one find balance when both situations are either end of the spectrum? Finding the middle ground is a difficult one, but one I must find.

Every foot forward continues to outweigh the tiptoes I take backward. I can take solace in that. Progress can flow free and switch to a drip to make you believe you’re not succeeding. But with an aim to conquer and a clear vision of a future self, all progress is great, whether at a snails pace or a whippet’s. My head, though in occasional turmoil, is improving. And that is a fricken amazing achievement!

I may struggle to figure this conundrum out, but I’m still looking forward to the next day….

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