Nightly notion #10….

For a long time now, I’ve looked at progress as a linear motion. You’re either moving forward, standing still, or in reverse. It was a simplistic view in which I held great devotion. As I lie here tonight, as I have many nights before, I see peaks and troughs within this linear progression. So it no longer has it’s simplicity, it’s minimalist grace.

What I’m trying to get across is that, no matter which way I look at it now, I can’t see the beauty of progression unless it’s forward AND levelling out at a peak. Just moving forward isn’t enough anymore. Is this a bad thing? Yes and no.

I’m beginning to see a future beyond my limitations. A possible outcome to my constant need to improve. But it’s a balancing act. Even more so than previously. Yes I’ve come a hell of a long way, surely that just means I have further to fall? Further to regress and ultimately splat at the bottom of this pit in which I began my journey.

The future I see isn’t one of a previous life, past dreams before that dreadful time. More that of change and fulfilment. Because there has to be a point, as much as we like to deny it, where the peaks soften and that forward movement is all that remains. I want to be at this place. Relief and satisfaction at the position I’m in. The person I am. The journey I’ve taken.

I feel I’m once again, pinning my hopes on a somewhat uncontrollable outcome. How to balance this positive mind-set, with the inevitable troughs. How to accept that I am still scaling the side of this pit and as much as I see a possible future, I have to ensure I’m well enough throughout the process in order to even contemplate getting there.

I guess what I’m asking myself is, can I have too much positivity, too much drive and have the wheels fall off at the next turn? See a future where my mental health no longer intrudes on everyday life, want it so much that I forget to tie my shoe laces and trip, flat on my face?

As this jibber-jabber spills and muddles itself on to this page, I wonder if I’m just overthinking. It’s not as if I haven’t done that before…..

Whether I am or not is once again a question I have no idea how to answer. The bright side is however, it isn’t getting to me. It isn’t creating a cavernous hole in my head in which my brain wants to melt in to.

Maybe now this is written I can let it go. Stop thinking and move on to the next….

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