Back at the beginning….fresh eyes….

With an up and down phase upon me, I feel I’m on an eternal roundabout. I’ve stopped writing, stopped looking for that treacherous, yet happiness invoking, next step. I feel I’m on a perpetual rollercoaster, same thing, different day. I guess the only change is whether, at the end of each day, I’m smiling or frowning. A daily game of swing ball, rematch after rematch, never a definitive win or lose.

I took an interesting and much needed trip to where much of my journey began. Back to the mental health team. I’m almost two years in and I just couldn’t reach that next milestone. Progress…..that recurring word, my worry of putting too much pressure on it has finally appeared, popping it’s head above the sand while simultaneously burying mine. ‘Hide!’ I scream to myself, ‘cower away from all that challenges you’ I plead. ‘Your safe places are becoming but a myth’ a voice…my voice, whispers.

Sat in that room, concentrating on every word spoken, yet struggling to keep focus. Unknowingly scratching at my palm, a nervous twitch, only apparent once I’d left. Hand red raw, apposing thumb numb. I think I heard everything. I think I replied in the best way I could. It’s a strange feeling, knowing where you are, knowing you’ve spoken but not remembering much of it. A vague sense of intrigue, to be a fly on the wall. The very wall in which I sat by, myself in the room where a fly could better relay what went on.

Fresh eyes are what I need. Replace this tired view in which I can no longer see what lies ahead. I want positivity, a prolonged sense of achievement once again. Instead of this ‘oh here we go again’ feeling I now fester in. To enjoy a singular day without the fear of decline, tiredness and a fatigued mind. The anxiety to piss off and leave me the hell alone!

One day I will smile, accept the frowns and end with a smile. My life will forever be gauged by these smiles and frowns, I just want the control back in my corner….

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