Failing to fail….

I’ve spoken before of the word ‘failure’ and the negative connotations that ruminate around it. I stand by my opinion that failing shouldn’t be deemed a saddening thing.


This is where I find my new challenge. My failure to let myself fail is hindering my progress. Well let’s be honest…it’s grinding it to a halt! Previously I have welcomed failure as a marker for improvement. Now, however, I can’t seem to take the lid off the pen and draw that bloody line! For weeks I have ignored the signs and pushed myself to breaking point. This need to succeed, to hit perfection is a blight on an otherwise successful journey.


With a recent re-visit to the mental health team, my medication will be reviewed, and a visit to the psychologist is just around the corner. I can’t put my finger on this feeling I have. Anxiety leaps from zero to a hundred at the blink of an eye. I feel something I have felt before but it’s under the surface and ever so slightly different. It is this worry, I think, that keeps me gently simmering, never knowing when I might boil over once again.


In Search of the perfect recovery I have inadvertently and ever so gradually made a U-turn. Now that I face the opposite way, directly in front of me lies the starting line. Though it may just be a dot on the horizon, it is signalling for my return.


Have I done this to myself? Or do I need a tweak in the pills department? Have I stopped talking and reverted back to bottling my emotions?


When so much positivity has led me to this point, I don’t want to be the reason it is all wasted and I certainly don’t want to carry on down this road. The steering wheel is under my control so surely I can spin it back around?…..can’t I?


Accepting failure helps level you out, it sets a point in time in which to improve. Whether that take a day, a week or a year, accept it as a positive. I can write this now, but I need to put it back into action for I fear the consequences. Embrace failure and strive for improvement…

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