With a shitty week almost behind me, these past few days have been bliss. After recuperating at the mother’s, the garden has once again brought peace to an otherwise turbulent storm of a brain.
Floods of tears and panic plagued my days for a reason I could not put my finger on. Thoughts and fears I couldn’t fathom.
Grabbing the dog while he slept I jumped in the car and did my best to compose myself before starting the engine. Brief calm, even a second wouldn’t arise.
Pooch with feet on my shoulder, chewing my ear, he knew I wasn’t happy. I sat in the car for neigh on an hour before I felt safe to drive. With the journey to my mother’s that of country lanes and beautiful scenery I seemed to put hell on pause….
With my mum in sight the tears fell once again. I didn’t want to go back. So set on moving forward, I believe a regular ‘bad day’ was dialled up to eleven. Uncontrollable thinking set the scene once again, me versus me versus me.
That was the rough, like sandpaper with mountainous peaks & cavernous troughs. Yet somehow all uphill. The smooth came after. With gradual levelling out, almost sedentary at points, the fresh air started to clear the stink that was betwixt my ears. A safe place at the family home, amazing surroundings and the garden to potter around in. Just like my grandad….
With fruit trees to plant, brambles to tackle and shrubs to trim, I seemed to drift through the next few days with a semi vacant view. It was only when I woke one morning to the sun beaming in, fruit trees still upright (always a bonus) and that vacancy, that I found a smile and a reason to get out of bed without an ever present numbness. Excited for what the day would bring I woke the pup, put my phone on aeroplane mode (camera only day) and cooked my breakfast…….I cooked! It was amazing!
Paprika scrambled eggs, avocado and ham. Granted I only scrambled eggs but that my friends was an achievement. When I cook it means I’m feeling ‘not too bad’ which is freakin’ brilliant!
With all this rambling I’ve forgotten the point of why I wanted to post today….I guess it’s to say, patience even through panic, trepidation and distress is vital. Granted in the moment, the last thought you have is to let the rough breeze by and wait for the smooth. But sometimes waiting is all you can do. This isn’t a bad thing. One day I hope I’ll have the answers. How to avoid the rough and tough times all together. Or how to delete them as they force their twisted pens to paper. One day……tis all I need to keep searching.
You’re not alone. The smooth will always follow the rough. And when life gives you lemons….go eat a brownie!
Here’s to mental health awareness, the great outdoors and overcoming those little demons!