Daily drivel #9…. gnawing gremlins & cuckoo clocks….

After a tiring spell at the gym yesterday, I’m feeling rather fatigued. Getting there was a tough start to the day, but with hood up and earphones in, I just about managed a back workout. Throughout, my mind was running a mile a minute. I could almost smell the burning cogs as they all but buckled under the strain.

Today, an increase in my medication was a necessity. Broken sleep and waking with cogs still turning, silence would be a blessing.

A touch of positivity is trying it’s hardest to sprout, like a dash of green in a crusted, parched desert. That would be a sense of achievement. That golden sweet essence amongst dank misery. I managed the gym, a successful workout and that puts a lil smile on my face.

Success is short lived however, anger and frustration at incoherent bullshit in my head trips me up and I face plant in to hatred for myself and everything about me! Gnawing at the very tissue that regurgitates conversation and interaction, self doubt and nonsense soup, is this festering gremlin that wants me to implode.

Tonight I will probably fail at sleep, grow the frustration from a meagre, yet powerful sapling into a mighty, zombie-esque oak! And tomorrow it will start all over again or just build on it’s impressive progress.

Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start….but is it? How can one keep going when the inevitability of utter shite is around every corner, lingering within every interaction and peering down from the cuckoo clock of a brain I have?!

I just want a day….I’ve had a taste for it….I want more, I need more….


Jibber-jabber at dawn #5….

With a semi successful sleep behind me, I stir from my slumber with a minor headache but a smile on my face. Today shall be a productive one.

The garden still with plenty to do, is always a task to look forward to. Shrubs need trimming, borders need tidying and a dismantled shed needs breaking down into usable and unusable. I’ve lost a little momentum with the garden but I’m hoping to build a swing seat out of the decent wood from the shed. I can see it now – birds tweeting, bees and butterflies aplenty, pots and trellises in bloom, and a swing chair to enjoy it all. T’will be amazing…

Today is also a gym day. Forty minutes on the bike has become something I look forward to, a necessary evil turned unexpected joy. And it’s leg day, my favourite! Some may ponder whether I’m being sarcastic here, but as with cardio, I’m loving leg day!

A new found vigour courses through me of late, a want to get things done! I’m giving more 100% at the gym and I’m hoping I can find the same intensity for my gardening again! Building this chair and seeing the success of tidy borders and shrubs will no doubt spur me on no end.

Never giving up and always searching for little victories and enjoyment in life is something I firmly believe everyone should work towards. Yes, you may lose a little momentum or even have completely shite days but there is always something to look forward to. Whether that be a major life change or a minor victory, find what makes you happy and hold on to it….

Daily drivel #4….

On waking this morning after a night of agitation, I’m feeling somewhat KNACKERED! A feeling of needing to move my limbs, something I haven’t felt for a while. As if my body is on a high whilst my head just wants to turn off.

This feeling used to be a precursor for unwarranted rage. Anger used to consume me and try it’s hardest to destroy me – physically and mentally. Now, with a slightly tidier head, the need to lash out isn’t as strong. Still simmering underneath but never to reach the surface.

I guess I can look at this as growth. But why do I get this feeling again? Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to move forward. Maybe it is as I said above, mind and body not in sync.

Anyway, the gym was a success today in spite of my turbulent night. A strength day followed by 40 minutes of cardio. Maybe this is what my body needed, all it’s energy drained. Tired and exhausted like my brain.

The earphones helped once again, though the gym is a safe zone. Music playing and exercise make me feel relaxed, without thought and a sense of freedom. With the diet/lifestyle changes I’ve put into action, I look forward to seeing positive results, in and out of the gym, in my body and mind.

Still with a smile on my face, I think I should put the ‘always move forward’ mentality on to a simmer. Take each day, each challenge and each victory as they come. Put some trust into the progress and changes I have made so far. Granted I’ll always want to move forward, but let’s live in the now and make the most of it!

Smiley 😊

A change up….

It’s time for a change….again. I’ve spoken of my fear of change before, afraid to alter a routine I’ve worked hard to put in place and stick to. It seems boredom can set in however. And the body can become used to it also.

So I feel change is a necessity. Although I’m enjoying what I eat & the training I’m doing, slight tweaks will hopefully spark the flame which has started to dwindle. My body reacted really well to the increase in fats and the lowering of carbs so I’m hesitant to alter these. My protein intake seems fine also, and the fruit & veg I consume is that of a healthy amount.

So what to change?

A diet and lifestyle isn’t just about what you consume and the exercise you do. It can be about time management also. So with this being said, I plan to play with the clock. Intermittent fasting is a phrase I’m not too keen on. Fasting in general strikes the fear of God into me, I mean, to fast….no food….what?!? Anyway, I plan to eat my usual diet within an eight hour period. So let’s say 10am – 6pm…..this may change depending how it goes in the first few days.

I’m going to increase the intensity in which I workout. At the moment I’m working with lower weights and higher reps. To see what difference it makes, I’m going to implement strength training days with higher weight and lower reps. Increasing my cardio is also a change, this is one that I’m fearful I won’t stick to…..I’m lazy at heart…..and body……I’m just lazy.

So with time management and slight tweaks in training, let’s see if we can stoke the fire and see more change for the better 😊

If this works out well, I’ll be posting a food & workout plan. If it works for me, it could well work for someone else.

Another day, another grind…..

It’s a gym day, aching from gardening and tired, motivation is lacking. Some say I should have the day off….but where would that get me? Knowing I should be at the gym, I would be constantly going over it. Why should I though? I’ve had a relatively productive week, getting over a horrible time and getting lots done in the garden….

It’s a fear of stopping, giving up on the grind and not starting again. Just because that’s happened before, what’s to say I’ll do that again? Just me. I am me though. A promise to myself should be enough. It rarely is….

I’ve come to the gym, deciding to push through the motivation starvation. I’ve also come to the realisation that this is as detrimental as not coming at all. With my heart not in it, my head elsewhere, it’s a futile attempt at being productive.

If you’re not fully in the zone to continue your daily routine, it doesn’t help to force it. It shouldn’t be ‘another day, another grind….’ It should be ‘another day, another something new!’

I’m afraid of switching up a routine, as I’ve never been good at keeping to them. So now that I have somewhat of a regular daily plan, it’s difficult to break even when my heart and head aren’t in it.

Make peace with change, know in yourself that it’s just a day and there’s always tomorrow…

Goals…. always growing….

I haven’t been doing this long, but I feel an improvement with the goals I’ve set myself. I’m not saying I’ve reached them all, if any in fact. But I’ve always been a planner….not a doer…
Seeing my thoughts and aims on paper, the written word, has helped elevate my motivation. Seeing it out there, for others to see gives me a kick up the bum. It’s almost a revelation. This energy is something I’ve been searching for, for a long time.
It still doesn’t make the achievement of these goals any easier however. With the daily battles, fought – sometimes won, sometimes lost. The war continues. It is however, easier to see the two as separate entities – goals and little victories versus battles lost and won. The singular line in which I thought I followed has evolved. Parallel, though sometimes foggy, each line can be worked on through victory or defeat. The one doesn’t have to stop the other….
This being said, through the struggles it is hard to un-fog these lines to see any at all. But I’m getting there. Just the other day, that feeling of impending doom loomed over me like a stink bomb. Usually it would hit, no warning, head instantly fighting and battling for clarity. This day it gave me a heads up, a miniscule window in which to visualise those two lines. Setting myself a task, tablet and keyboard at the ready. Write a full chapter of my novel. No interruptions. No mind f#@kery….
I was somewhat successful, using the torment inside to create a similar vision on paper. My fight put onto a character, into a scene. Setting a new path, a new outlet for those horrible feelings to be dispersed.
As happy as I was with the chapter, my mood and fight still ran wild. One of those beautiful little victories almost hidden, but forever on a page. How I did it, I’m not quite sure. But I’m proud of myself for doing so.
A big goal I’ve set myself is to become healthier, look and feel better, and most importantly – find those foods that benefit my mental health (I’ve been rabbiting on about it in previous posts). This one may be tricky to continue working on through tough times but I’m determined to give it a go. Use it to fuel a workout or run with the pooch. It’s easy to say ‘just get up and do it’. Can I really achieve this? We shall see…

Gaining confidence…..

Building confidence has been in no small part down to me getting to the gym. My first double digit attempts I barely made it to the door, but I saw the carpark as a milestone. In fact, before the carpark I saw packing my gym bag as a success.
From there the gradual progression through the door and parking rear cheeks on a chair with a drink was so exhilarating I needed party poppers and balloons! The family feeling was that of equal illation.
It took months, tears and anger at myself before I managed to use my first machine, lift my first weight. The gym is now a safe zone, a place in my mind where I’m safe, free and happy.
Headphones in, hood up and a clear focus on the mind to muscle connection, I was away! Struggling to see what the fuss was about to begin with.
In a rhythm and enjoying every minute without unnecessary stress, I felt space open up for new positive thoughts. Growth whether physical, mental or emotional. It didn’t matter that my visits were at 2am and 3am. I made it, I conquered it.
I guess what I learned from this simple experience is that each and every one of us has the ability to focus, grow and build on the life which we call ‘me’. I found the gym, this may work for you. In fact I’m sure it will if your reasoning for going is that of growth, growth other than dem gains, dem muscle gains. A spiritual gain. Preach! Hallelujah! Prais’d’lord! A gain that lifts your spirits, builds your confidence and slaps a big fat smile on your face!
I hope to find more places, more experiences and achieve more goals to build my confidence. I hope you can too! Keep pushing! 😁😁