Rationalising the irrational…

Today is a good day. But what is good? Surely this is dependent on a personal distinction of the word. Is it measured against the bad? Is good a definitive term? Am I misusing the word? If good is the same for everyone, then yes, I am using it wrongly. What word should I use?……. The thought process behind a single word used amongst thousands in a day, if I talk at all, can be a kick start to a blender in which my mind sits. Good is good I tell myself, why question it. Or should I question it? Calmly accept I don’t know the answer I’m looking for, brush it aside. It’s easy to say that now. It’s easy to rationalise the irrational…….


This was a two hour long debate/argument I had with myself a few weeks after my breakdown. When I originally wrote this, and other thoughts at the time, I named it ‘Am I mental?’. I guess I wasn’t asking if I had mental health issues, rather, is there a way back for me? Am I stuck, mentally torturing myself over bugger all, nonsense and ridiculousness!


The day I’m referring to was good because it was the first time in a very, very long time I had woken up and not cried. The first day in a very, very long time I didn’t absolutely detest myself for actually waking up. Sadly this was short lived, the above argument the sabateur among others…


With this nugget of ponderment (I’m coining this word by the way, it’s mine!) swishing around my noggin for months, I finally gave myself a break. I started writing whatever was in my head; good, bad, ugly, anything. Previously I would only write down the thoughts related to my illness. Only negative notions in which to work on. This was helpful and a crutch in equal measure. Yes I could look back and analyse for the better. With me the way I am however, I would more likely dwell and fester in the possibility that what I had written was no doubt irrational, but then rationalise it to aid my demise.


If I think back, I have always processed minor and major conundrums in such a way that I would drift and miss the here and now. But I’d always be okay, I’d always continue as if the norm. That was until I couldn’t cope anymore. Spiralling, drinking to get through the next hour, let alone the day. Alcohol was a fuel in which my symptoms appeared hidden but in reality, they were amplified.


After the breakdown, severe anxiety, depression and unwarranted, uncontrollable rage taunted me. All I wanted was for the multiple versions of ‘me’ inside my head to get along, to have one aim, one clear coherent direction. ‘Peace comes from within, but the voices in my head won’t listen’. I thought I was the only one like me and there was no hope.


Medication and therapy sparked the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. The writing began to help too. It all helped me realise that I wasn’t alone, I had hope, and that happiness comes in many forms. Having something to aim for helped with my anxiety, although still petrified of interaction, I began to push myself, tentatively and with the help of my family, I started venturing out and rebuilding.


From alcoholism and torment through the day. To a breakdown and arguing with multiple versions of myself. A vision teeters gleefully on the top of this heap thanks to family and those who listen and understand. For this I thank you 


420, a medical number or an illegal drug…

It’s a scary thought to think an illegal substance, fraught with stigmatism, could be the answer to a select number of illnesses for people around the world.
But why the illegal status? Why the stigma? Just look at alcohol, a mind altering substance. Deaths and addiction at a higher rate than most illegals if not all.
A frightening precedent set….
It’s your 18th birthday, go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with a cacophony of alcoholic beverages….no questions asked…yet you can only buy two packs of paracetamol at a time….
Fancy a cigarette? Go for it. There’s only 70+ substances in this stick that can cause cancer. Not to mention clogged arteries, strokes, blindness and the rest…
Being a recovering alcoholic, a current smoker and a drug abuser in the past. I cannot see the logic in any of this. Kill yourself with alcohol legally. Kill yourself with tar and carcinogens legally. Ignore science regarding an illegal substance???
Now I’m not for the legalising of this drug, this herb, this plant. No. But the correlation between this and legal substances makes absolutely and categorically no sense. Either allow them all and see the world crash and burn or ban the lot. Those which have proven medical benefits, legalise for this purpose only. Or just ignore the obvious solutions, whether that be in fear of consequence or loss of power.
At the end of the day, money is King, exploitation is Queen and the world is completely baffling!
‘It’ll all come out in the wash’ let’s hope so. In the meantime, keep smiling 😆😆
Much love, Smiley xx

Smiles, a gauge to live by….part 2

Cutting it out!….
I’ve mentioned before how I intend to figure out how food cravings, whether fulfilled or ignored, can effect a person’s mood and their treatment of others. And which foods, good or bad envoke a true smile. So I intend to try a few experiments….
The way I eat is largely based on what I feel I need in the moment. That probably explains the love handles I adorn and the avoidance of the scales. I see this as my opportunity to put some of my daily queries to bed. Will I regret eating this whole bag of caramel nibbles? Will I regret not eating them? Would an extra helping of deliciously slow roasted pork belly with insanely buttery mash make me feel great for five minutes, then truly awful for the rest of the day? Should I eat nothing but chicken, boiled rice and asparagus?
Before my ramblings destroy the little faith you may still have in me, I’ll explain my experiment….
To start I intend to cut everything considered ‘bad’ out. So my diet will consist of lean protein sources, low carb sources and moderate good fats. I’ve gone with a high fat and low carb ratio as I know my body….ish…
As my activity levels vary, carbs & sugars sit and fester…not good. I intend to use coconut oil, avocado etc as my energy source. I’m interested to see if my body will utilise these as energy more productively. Fingers crossed…
Macros I’ll have in a day – 200g protein, 90-100g carb, 70g fat approximately
I’m thinking….
– Mexican eggs in the morning, avocado, spring onion & tomato. Set yoghurt, banana. A large coffee a necessity!
– For lunch I’ll have chicken breast, tenderstem broccoli, sweet potato, protein cheese and roasted onion. Gotsta love a charred onion!
– Sea trout, avocado & coconut, soba noodle and asparagus salad for dindins.
This is just an example, around 1800 calories, so with my size I’ll be in a deficit. This is what I’m after though, enough to fill me but not too much.
Then come the narrrrrsty food cravings. For the first 2 weeks I’ll resist all temptation! Holy Moses I’m sweating already!
Wish me luck!….

Creative solutions….

Dilemma’s and misfortunes come in many forms. A loss of confidence whilst attempting a task, one found easy previously, can knock you.
Letting these unfortunate occurrences set you back may seem unsolvable, an inevitable evil. But I believe this to be poop. Get creative….you’ve all heard of the ‘picture everybody naked’ saying, right? A simple, albeit childish, creative solution that works for some.
Well I put it to you, come up with other creative solutions. Rationalise a trip to the shop, or an appointment at the dentist. Even exams and interviews. Focus on the task at hand but also break it down, create an alternate reality, one where the interviewers head is aflame. The people in Tesco are all holding in their flatulence. The gym goers are hiding an unfortunate rip, their faces red from embarrassment rather than heat. Now you may think, this is mean, what have they done to you? The question should be ‘can they see inside my head?’ The answer being no, you’re not hurting anybody.
I tried a few ideas out for myself. I imagined a lil bug between the eyes of the cashier at a Gregg’s. it wasn’t easy but I made eye contact with someone for the first time in a long time and I managed to get in the building, an extra bonus! I focussed so intently on this ridiculous fly that I missed the chance to panic, over evaluate and think myself out of there.
I may be chatting utter nonsense, maybe this only makes sense to me. I guess I’m trying to re-focus my mind, forget about the anxiety, racing thoughts & fear, to focus on an image, that of which will make me smile. Easier said than done but a challenge I am determined to take on. I hope you are too…

H2O’yes we’re still sipping…

With my H2O’really water experiment in full flow…excuse the pun…I’m finally seeing some long term, lasting results!
Not only have I lost weight, yippee! I’m noticing a vast improvement in the look and feel of my skin. Previously slightly on the greasy side, I’m showing more of a glow and my chubby cheeks are soft and squidgable! It seems a simple, easy improvement to make without spending a ton on face cremes and moisturiser.
To pee or not to p…. definitely to pee! It was inevitable – drink more, pee more! However, I feel revitalised, fresher. Now I know there are debates on ‘detoxing’ and whether or not it is actually possible to do, but I’m feeling something of a detox at play here. Generally happier moods. Better skin to look at and to touch. And most importantly, a drive to continue and see what else will come of this experiment and others.
Now I know the positivity is high here, but I’m still hitting very difficult days. I thought a higher water intake would change this, boosting my moods and hopefully less down days would show their ugly face. I guess brain function may be on the rise but it isn’t hitting me where I was hoping it would. Perhaps I’m just not noticing, or I should give it more time. We shall see…
One thing for certain, however, is I’m determined now to implement more changes, challenges and experiments into my lifestyle. Excited to see and share the results!
Eat, drink and smile 😊

Little victories…

The thought of venturing for a coffee has been a constant itch of late. With my designated safe zones – that being the gym (off peak) and walking spots with the pup – I finally succeeded at gaining another! Brother in tow, we travelled to a Starbucks just off the dual carriageway. A chilled atmosphere helped me feel comfortable and aided in creativity . With my brother being his ever calming presence, we chatted, wrote some bits and talked about our recovery.
These little victories are part of the healing process, a cog in an expansive mechanism. Not only do I have these to look back on and think ‘YES I did it!’. But I can use them to aid future little victories. Those little nuggets of gold amongst rock, gems amongst glass, are something to hold on to…tight!
I spoke of safe zones. These are places I have managed to create a safe environment. The gym no longer has to be completely empty – little victory – I can walk the pup at a popular dog walker spot – little victory – and now I can be comfortable, albeit in a certain seat, at a singular Starbucks.

It is these little victories I am celebrating to help during times I’m up and down. Hold on to whatever you’ve accomplished, no matter it’s proportional value to the rest of the world, it is yours and yours alone.

Savour, smile and grow with those little victories.

Accepting failure….

Is failure truly what it implies? A feeling of defeat, frustration and nonfulfillment. The dictionary would have you believe so. With the word ‘failure’ such a prominent word in today’s society, it’s time to approach the word and it’s incurring feelings in a completely different way. Why not put a tag on it, flag it as a word that no longer means the same in your vocab!
Failure is a means in which to build upon. To train ones mind to view a single word among thousands as something new should be easy, right? The answer is yes. Don’t hold on to your failures, either let them go or use them to grow as a person. A simple train of thought, ‘you can never fail, only learn and improve’.