Thirty….just a number….

So I turned thirty on the 12th of January, and I feel…… exactly the same. Age is simply a number. Some people ask ‘how does it feel?’ and I answer the only way I know how, with minimal wording and minimal thought, ‘exactly the same’.

I often think about what I have to show for thirty years on this earth, the answer being not a lot. But that isn’t entirely true….I’ve only been an adult for just over a third of that….and I’m still striving to be a better me, albeit in a different sense than two and a bit years ago.

The thought process behind an age, a time spent alive, is a sobering thought as well as a reminder that you’re still you, still fighting and still wanting more. Granted, there have been times where I didn’t want more, I wanted an end. I didn’t want a better me, I didn’t even want a me. With times of positivity, age is like time, it continues to roll on but it doesn’t matter how long it takes, perfection isn’t around the corner, nor is it a possibility. So life is a work in progress. Progress to always be better than the day before and if you don’t feel that sense of achievement there’s always tomorrow.

I read back over my ramblings sometimes and wonder why I can write these things yet fail to put them in to practice. Heed your own advice and take each day as it comes, ignore a ‘bad day’ and try again tomorrow. It’s a mind-set that confuses the bejesus out of me yet it makes perfect sense!

So I’m thirty. Thirty years a boy, a man I aim to become, a success story, a person I can be proud of and one day I’ll look in the mirror and be glad that I am me!!

Sweet dreams y’all!
Love Smiley 😊😊



The above have always been a scary breed to me. Especially in recent times. Trust is difficult.
Family have always been there, through shit and glitter moments, but the thought of letting other people in is a fear-filled smorgasbord of trepidation…
Other than family and the ones I call family (you know who you are) I’ve struggled to see the kindness others show, as an act of pure and genuine concern, thoughtfulness and care. Up until recently that is…
A message from a dear friend I’d lost touch with helped me see that, no matter the situation or reason behind losing touch, it hasn’t dwindled the care she still shows. An ex-partner, a best friend. A tear….a good few tears filled my eyes. Those of happiness and relief that people aren’t the strange and untrustworthy race I previously thought. And the person in question is an incredible human with a beautiful nature.
That being said, my avoidance of some interactions is still based on a lack of trust and a wary sense of what a person’s intentions truly are. Like ‘innocent until proven guilty’… just my mind reverses it…. untrustworthy until proven otherwise…
One day this mistrust and worry will become easier, knowing people, like above, are there with nothing but love and care their intention.
If you struggle with trust or general interaction for whatever reason, people in general aren’t as scary as first thought. This is a pleasant and relaxing realisation that I hope will help me and others grow, heal and smile 🙂🙂

Gaining confidence…..

Building confidence has been in no small part down to me getting to the gym. My first double digit attempts I barely made it to the door, but I saw the carpark as a milestone. In fact, before the carpark I saw packing my gym bag as a success.
From there the gradual progression through the door and parking rear cheeks on a chair with a drink was so exhilarating I needed party poppers and balloons! The family feeling was that of equal illation.
It took months, tears and anger at myself before I managed to use my first machine, lift my first weight. The gym is now a safe zone, a place in my mind where I’m safe, free and happy.
Headphones in, hood up and a clear focus on the mind to muscle connection, I was away! Struggling to see what the fuss was about to begin with.
In a rhythm and enjoying every minute without unnecessary stress, I felt space open up for new positive thoughts. Growth whether physical, mental or emotional. It didn’t matter that my visits were at 2am and 3am. I made it, I conquered it.
I guess what I learned from this simple experience is that each and every one of us has the ability to focus, grow and build on the life which we call ‘me’. I found the gym, this may work for you. In fact I’m sure it will if your reasoning for going is that of growth, growth other than dem gains, dem muscle gains. A spiritual gain. Preach! Hallelujah! Prais’d’lord! A gain that lifts your spirits, builds your confidence and slaps a big fat smile on your face!
I hope to find more places, more experiences and achieve more goals to build my confidence. I hope you can too! Keep pushing! 😁😁

Rationalising the irrational…

Today is a good day. But what is good? Surely this is dependent on a personal distinction of the word. Is it measured against the bad? Is good a definitive term? Am I misusing the word? If good is the same for everyone, then yes, I am using it wrongly. What word should I use?……. The thought process behind a single word used amongst thousands in a day, if I talk at all, can be a kick start to a blender in which my mind sits. Good is good I tell myself, why question it. Or should I question it? Calmly accept I don’t know the answer I’m looking for, brush it aside. It’s easy to say that now. It’s easy to rationalise the irrational…….


This was a two hour long debate/argument I had with myself a few weeks after my breakdown. When I originally wrote this, and other thoughts at the time, I named it ‘Am I mental?’. I guess I wasn’t asking if I had mental health issues, rather, is there a way back for me? Am I stuck, mentally torturing myself over bugger all, nonsense and ridiculousness!


The day I’m referring to was good because it was the first time in a very, very long time I had woken up and not cried. The first day in a very, very long time I didn’t absolutely detest myself for actually waking up. Sadly this was short lived, the above argument the sabateur among others…


With this nugget of ponderment (I’m coining this word by the way, it’s mine!) swishing around my noggin for months, I finally gave myself a break. I started writing whatever was in my head; good, bad, ugly, anything. Previously I would only write down the thoughts related to my illness. Only negative notions in which to work on. This was helpful and a crutch in equal measure. Yes I could look back and analyse for the better. With me the way I am however, I would more likely dwell and fester in the possibility that what I had written was no doubt irrational, but then rationalise it to aid my demise.


If I think back, I have always processed minor and major conundrums in such a way that I would drift and miss the here and now. But I’d always be okay, I’d always continue as if the norm. That was until I couldn’t cope anymore. Spiralling, drinking to get through the next hour, let alone the day. Alcohol was a fuel in which my symptoms appeared hidden but in reality, they were amplified.


After the breakdown, severe anxiety, depression and unwarranted, uncontrollable rage taunted me. All I wanted was for the multiple versions of ‘me’ inside my head to get along, to have one aim, one clear coherent direction. ‘Peace comes from within, but the voices in my head won’t listen’. I thought I was the only one like me and there was no hope.


Medication and therapy sparked the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. The writing began to help too. It all helped me realise that I wasn’t alone, I had hope, and that happiness comes in many forms. Having something to aim for helped with my anxiety, although still petrified of interaction, I began to push myself, tentatively and with the help of my family, I started venturing out and rebuilding.


From alcoholism and torment through the day. To a breakdown and arguing with multiple versions of myself. A vision teeters gleefully on the top of this heap thanks to family and those who listen and understand. For this I thank you 

Smiles, a gauge to live by….part 2

Cutting it out!….
I’ve mentioned before how I intend to figure out how food cravings, whether fulfilled or ignored, can effect a person’s mood and their treatment of others. And which foods, good or bad envoke a true smile. So I intend to try a few experiments….
The way I eat is largely based on what I feel I need in the moment. That probably explains the love handles I adorn and the avoidance of the scales. I see this as my opportunity to put some of my daily queries to bed. Will I regret eating this whole bag of caramel nibbles? Will I regret not eating them? Would an extra helping of deliciously slow roasted pork belly with insanely buttery mash make me feel great for five minutes, then truly awful for the rest of the day? Should I eat nothing but chicken, boiled rice and asparagus?
Before my ramblings destroy the little faith you may still have in me, I’ll explain my experiment….
To start I intend to cut everything considered ‘bad’ out. So my diet will consist of lean protein sources, low carb sources and moderate good fats. I’ve gone with a high fat and low carb ratio as I know my body….ish…
As my activity levels vary, carbs & sugars sit and fester…not good. I intend to use coconut oil, avocado etc as my energy source. I’m interested to see if my body will utilise these as energy more productively. Fingers crossed…
Macros I’ll have in a day – 200g protein, 90-100g carb, 70g fat approximately
I’m thinking….
– Mexican eggs in the morning, avocado, spring onion & tomato. Set yoghurt, banana. A large coffee a necessity!
– For lunch I’ll have chicken breast, tenderstem broccoli, sweet potato, protein cheese and roasted onion. Gotsta love a charred onion!
– Sea trout, avocado & coconut, soba noodle and asparagus salad for dindins.
This is just an example, around 1800 calories, so with my size I’ll be in a deficit. This is what I’m after though, enough to fill me but not too much.
Then come the narrrrrsty food cravings. For the first 2 weeks I’ll resist all temptation! Holy Moses I’m sweating already!
Wish me luck!….

Accepting failure….

Is failure truly what it implies? A feeling of defeat, frustration and nonfulfillment. The dictionary would have you believe so. With the word ‘failure’ such a prominent word in today’s society, it’s time to approach the word and it’s incurring feelings in a completely different way. Why not put a tag on it, flag it as a word that no longer means the same in your vocab!
Failure is a means in which to build upon. To train ones mind to view a single word among thousands as something new should be easy, right? The answer is yes. Don’t hold on to your failures, either let them go or use them to grow as a person. A simple train of thought, ‘you can never fail, only learn and improve’.