Teetering on a knife edge….

Hiding away always seems the easiest option. Just when comfort sets in, an overwhelming bout of anxiety and mind mush sinks it’s teeth right in! It was a lovely day, until this point. But to hide is not my best option, even though it feels safe.

When your happiness & freedom from anxiety teeter on a knife edge, I sometimes wonder how anything can be enjoyable. Is it luck that these feelings simmer under the surface? Or am I fully aware of them, knowing in some way I should just make the most of the good times? It’s a quandary, a fleeting thought process that simply wastes my energy.

I do enjoy days, knowing it may just be that one through the week. But I don’t fester in fear of the bad. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have seen the wood for the trees. I wouldn’t have seen a point in enjoyment when misery lay around the corner. This is a triumph. Although I feel like a bag of turd, I see the glitter in which I could roll. The polish set aside, and a spark of positivity flickers.

Tomorrow is always a day away, always a possibility for happy, jolly times. Let’s take a bad day as just that, singular, just one. Tomorrow is just around the corner…

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A beaming light….

Weeks of torment behind me once again. It comes to a point, when I start to wonder what it’s all about? As if it is just the norm, to have good times followed by bad, only to start the cycle over again. When does it all become a tedious process, never to be broken?

A beaming light shining midweek, signalled the end of the downward, sleepless spiral. Granted, sleep isn’t all tikitiboo, but sleep has been had. The shining light, iridescent, marred by cloud, is a thing of beauty yet I’m fearful of what will trigger the next spiral. I feel I’m just playing a waiting game…

I guess I need to enjoy, make the most of, and seize the day at hand. Focus should be on how to exploit these good times and continue the growth I was getting on so well with before the bad times stuck their nose in. As if a blip, or singular scratch on a CD, continuing on with the song and finish what has been started.

So that is what I intend to do. Look at how far I’ve come. A crumpled lump, a mental and physical mess on my brother’s sofa, to where I am now. A gym going, lifestyle changing conqueror. The ‘me’ I almost enjoy looking at in the mirror, the ‘me’ that loves to cook, garden and progress day by day.

Don’t let the down days, or fear of what may happen next, slow you down. Take each day as it comes. Blips happen, shit happens and the fight is what will make you stronger. Enjoy today, tomorrow is a day away and always will be!

Smile, always.

Keeping busy….or wasted time….

As the day slowly trickles by, I sit in a daze, planning my next move. That trickle soon starts to run like a river. Before I know it, it’s reached the sea and the long hike to it’s beginning stands in front of me.

When the gym is the plan, or an amazing set of ingredients lie before me, I prematurely feel a sense of achievement. The day has not been wasted in a daze, it’s bound to be a good day. A daze can be that of innocence or one of turmoil, both feeling like a waste. All we have is time. All it does is pass by. So with the gym or cooking, and even gardening, achievement is achieved….

What to do with those pissed away days of unfulfillment? Just the thought process behind this thought process gives me a headache, still wasting the time as it drifts on by.

I try to enjoy the quiet days, attempting mindfulness to no avail. Being mindful and fretting over the passing time are complete contradictions. Do I stay focused on filling my days in order to become stronger, physically and mentally? Or do I find peace in doing nothing, learning and strengthening my mind in tranquility? If the latter is the choice, how do I accomplish it?

Finding a balance seems to be key. To fill every day at this point in my recovery could be detrimental. And on the same note, tormenting myself on empty days will do the same. How does one find balance when both situations are either end of the spectrum? Finding the middle ground is a difficult one, but one I must find.

Every foot forward continues to outweigh the tiptoes I take backward. I can take solace in that. Progress can flow free and switch to a drip to make you believe you’re not succeeding. But with an aim to conquer and a clear vision of a future self, all progress is great, whether at a snails pace or a whippet’s. My head, though in occasional turmoil, is improving. And that is a fricken amazing achievement!

I may struggle to figure this conundrum out, but I’m still looking forward to the next day….

Nightly notion #8…. contradicting emotions….

It’s been a strange few days betwixt my ears. I wouldn’t say down or even unhappy, just different.

I’ve been cooking a lot more, it feels good. It’s a newfound, yet previously felt passion that I never thought I’d feel again. The very thought of cooking, proper cooking, terrified me. Yes I’ve made scrambled egg and a bit of chicken and vegetables, but putting thought-out dishes together has been a great success on my journey through recovery.

The feeling I mention above, is something like a sense of regret combined with ‘what could’ve been’. Perhaps even a dash of shame. I think, anyway. It seems a contradicting set of emotions, to feel joy and passion, to then let it be overshadowed by these feelings.

I think to myself, ‘it’ll pass’, but will it? Am I allowed to enjoy something I once loved? Even though I let everything surrounding this very passion, including the passion itself, crash and burn?…. It brings back the hatred I once had for myself, the shame of our family business having to abruptly cease due to my breakdown. I know they don’t agree with that and they will in no doubt tell me off for thinking these things. To this day it still sits in the back of my mind however, vegetating and growing fur.

I feel I need to get determined to overcome this irrational emotion. Kick it’s ass to the curb and enjoy anything that makes me smile. Cooking is a love, a hobby and a space in which I’m free.

One day I hope to call myself a chef again. One day I hope to come to terms with the disaster surrounding this passion and conquer it even more so than I have previously! One day I will have a kitchen, call myself the chef and I’ll smile, morning, noon and night….

Evening routine….the search for uninterrupted sleep….

I’ve mentioned in a previous post of my constant and incredibly brain creasing, broken sleep. My aim was to research and attempt to fix this annoyance. But research was a difficult one. So trial and hella error has never been more abused! Well maybe a tad dramatic…

My first trial was an early evening walk, without a major increase in heart rate. I was aiming to burn any physical energy I may have had hiding within limbs. This was a topic of conversation previously also, the incessant need to move my limbs, legs especially. ‘Orrible ‘orrible ‘orrible! I hate this feeling!

So with this not having any affect, the drawing board was once again handy for my scribble. And scribble I did! Jeeeez I haven’t written by hand for so long, it was like a spider with painted feet, drunkenly sprawled it’s way across the paper…..it was illegible.

Pushing on, my next idea was to try the old faithful, yet not to my taste, hot chocolate & a bubbly tub. To my surprise, it worked as far as the need to move lessened….is this a word?….my still broken and evasive sleep was less fidgety….is this a word?….

Whether the bath helped or the cocoa, or even both, I’m not entirely sure. Implementing two new variables made it unclear. So far I’d been working on instant fixes. Ones that I hoped would change the very night at hand. I needed a new tactic!

So with a new approach I decided to work on a routine that eventually my body and mind would see as the warm up before sleep. Every night, at 9pm I would start this routine….

Medication – I’ve found that taking my tablets earlier helps with the relaxing I’m trying so hard to achieve. Then it’s to the bathroom sink – brushing teeth, an evening face scrub and the occasional face mask (I fricken love these things, soooo satisfying!). After the sink routine I would put on a robe and chill with an episode of something thought provoking but not too stimulating…

11pm was time for bed. No matter if I was wide awake, I needed to let my mind and body know this was sleep time!

After just over a week of trials and finally this simple routine, I’ve seen quite astonishing results. At first I would lie in bed staring at the ceiling for hours and sleep, once achieved, would be broken. Eventually however, I was falling asleep fairly soon after getting in bed and gradually my sleep is becoming less turbulent and I’m pretty sure I’m close to getting a full night in the coming days.

There are things in life we can’t control and things we can. Focus on the things you can. Chip away at the annoyances and take control of the little things.

Keep smiling 😊
Love Smiley

Sam…more than a brother….

My brother has always been a vision of calm. A role model I still strive to follow. Throughout my life, I’ve looked up to Sam, smiled at his presence in my life and his gentle, unimposing nature.

We may have fought as children, the odd spat here and there, but he has always been someone I’ve strived to emulate. From teens until now we’re best friends. From comfortable silences to incoherent rambles, times of difficulty to moments of synchronised merriment and glee.

His struggles have been from childhood, never really knowing what was wrong, he went from day to day, year after year. With several diagnoses not coming until his late 20’s to early 30’s, his fight has always been in silence. We knew he wasn’t well, the lack of knowledge hindered the help we could offer, it’s heart breaking when I look back. The confusion & frustration must have been unbearable.

As I sit here today with my own struggles, he never fails to make me smile when frowns are all I can muster. He continues to portray a man I would like to be, and if I could take his battle from him, I would do so in a heartbeat.

There is so much more I could write, I cannot praise and stress enough how important you are to me! So this is to you, Sam, never change who you are, you’re more than a brother, more than a best friend, an inspiration of how people should be. I hope I can be half as inspiring and influential to you as you have been for me.

Love you bruder, keep smiling 😊 xx

Nightly notion #7….

With this morning’s pre-emptive assumption of daily troubles, I never imagined that today would be….okay. Well, more than okay, not at all bad in fact.

I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped, but no overpowering disappointment prevailed. And this evening I cooked! I’ve been getting back into my chef mind. It seems I have found the key to unlock that part of my brain, the part I had inadvertently hidden after the breakdown.

A beautiful dish comprising of sea bass with curry spices, caramelised pineapple, burnt cauliflower & cauliflower couscous, avocado & crayfish. It seems like a lot now I’ve written it down, however, it was amurrrrrrzing, if I do say so myself!

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The combination of fish and fruit is something I’ve become very intrigued by.

Salmon & blueberry
Mackerel & strawberry
Scallops & melon

Some may say eww, but it makes perfect sense! Beautifully fresh fish, zingy & refreshing or sweet & vibrant fruit…. essential omega fatty acids, vitamins & minerals. And the bottom line is always the amazing flavour!

I will get round to putting these recipes and more on here soon. Dishes are piling up in my note book and what kind of person would I be to keep them all to myself?!

Eat, smile and sleep tight!

G’night y’all