Nightly notion #13…. dancing wallpaper & subtle tones….

The design of the wallpaper above me shifts and swerves, contorting as my tired eyes strain to see through the pitch black. Sleep doth evade me once again.


With Claire De Lune playing softly, I feel a surreal moment of calm drift over me. As if I were no longer frustrated by the sleep deprivation. I’m content at watching the wallpaper dance and the subtle tones of Debussy play away. Am I actually asleep? Is this a dream?


If so, to wake now would be a travesty. To break this feeling of peace would feel wrong. I’m exhausted, yet I’m calm. Not a worry or thought other than what I hear and see.


It’s night’s like this that make me wonder, is sleep that important when I can be at my most comfortable and relaxed while awake?


Sleep will inevitably happen at some point, for an indeterminate amount of time. And it will be highly appreciated. Sleep I must and sleep I will, dreaming of the tranquillity that prevailed before it.


That’s all I have to say, goodnight 😊

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Thirty….just a number….

So I turned thirty on the 12th of January, and I feel…… exactly the same. Age is simply a number. Some people ask ‘how does it feel?’ and I answer the only way I know how, with minimal wording and minimal thought, ‘exactly the same’.


I often think about what I have to show for thirty years on this earth, the answer being not a lot. But that isn’t entirely true….I’ve only been an adult for just over a third of that….and I’m still striving to be a better me, albeit in a different sense than two and a bit years ago.


The thought process behind an age, a time spent alive, is a sobering thought as well as a reminder that you’re still you, still fighting and still wanting more. Granted, there have been times where I didn’t want more, I wanted an end. I didn’t want a better me, I didn’t even want a me. With times of positivity, age is like time, it continues to roll on but it doesn’t matter how long it takes, perfection isn’t around the corner, nor is it a possibility. So life is a work in progress. Progress to always be better than the day before and if you don’t feel that sense of achievement there’s always tomorrow.


I read back over my ramblings sometimes and wonder why I can write these things yet fail to put them in to practice. Heed your own advice and take each day as it comes, ignore a ‘bad day’ and try again tomorrow. It’s a mind-set that confuses the bejesus out of me yet it makes perfect sense!


So I’m thirty. Thirty years a boy, a man I aim to become, a success story, a person I can be proud of and one day I’ll look in the mirror and be glad that I am me!!


Sweet dreams y’all!
Love Smiley 😊😊

Jibber-jabber at dawn #7….T’is Christmas!…

It’s Christmas! I saw it arrive and I continue to stare at the ceiling. I’m not frustrated by this, I’m just vacant. To think all the hype, the build up is for one day….today….this day that I analyse the pattern on my ceiling, the same pattern that stares back at me whether it’s Christmas or mid July. Maybe I’m just a Grinch….bah humbug….a Scrooge….I don’t know. Just the very idea that one day among 365 is built up for months kinda kills it for me.

I remember a time that I’d be staring at a different ceiling feeling so much excitement I felt as if I were a firework ready to blow! It was a lovely feeling and I wish I could get back to that. Just enjoy and take it for what it is, a celebration regardless of anything else.

Like I said in the previous post, we had our family meal and did the Christmas thing two days ago, and it was lovely. I could see past the build up and just enjoy the day. Maybe that’s why I feel so vacant today, through exhaustion after allowing myself to freely enjoy that day. I sometimes forget I’m not aloud to have a good time, my head doesn’t approve and will punish accordingly.

Maybe I’m just feeling like this because of the same old pattern staring back at me, added to the lack of sleep and that lovely day. Maybe I’ll be alright later, festive and raring to watch Christmas films, eat left over turkey and cake/chocolate galore. Even wear a Santa Clause jumper and some elf slippers jus because!

Like I’ve said, it’s a tough time of year, but I hope this rambling hasn’t ruined it for anyone. I hope you all have a fantastic day, enjoy it for what it is, take it by the horns and make the most of it. Eat so much you can’t move. Listen to Christmas songs until they play like white noise in your noggin and watch – It’s A Wonderful Life, Die Hard, Home Alone, Miracle On 34th Street – and many more until you fall asleep. A sleep so heavy you may miss New Year!

Merry Christmas everyone, muchas loves

Smiley 😊

Nightly notion #12….fingers and festivities….

This time of year is a tough one. Not necessarily because of all the booze flying around through adverts and parties on social media etc, but more the memories and possible interaction/visitors. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to see family and friends over the holidays, but the festivities seem to bring a strange pressure.

As far as visitors go, there are too many fingers on one hand to count them, however, not enough on both to count the memories and bad thoughts that perch themselves on my lap. My life seemed to miss a year, starting around this time two years ago. Shit hit the fan to maximum effect and just kept on spinning. Uncontrollable drinking and thinking, an imploding mind, anger and an emergency visit to the psychiatric hospital after a complete breakdown. These are things I would like to forget but never will.

There was a time I really loved going all out for Christmas, no stress was too much stress and if I wasn’t completely shattered by around 4pm I mustn’t have gone hard enough. I’d play it down, stating I wasn’t a big fan of it, but this wasn’t true. Even in my early twenties I’d wake up Christmas morning….if I’d slept at all through the excitement…giddy as a four year old! It was just a special time!

Being an alcoholic, Christmas has never really been much different to any other time. A drink was a drink, any time……all the time, anywhere as always. So now two years in to recovery, not drinking at Christmas is the same as not drinking throughout the year. But the memories still prod and poke fun at me. The presence of family/friends becomes too much and space, peace and clarity are hard to find even when they’re gone.

Today, however has been wonderful. Flagging towards the end but I made it through with a smile. Our Christmas was a little early due to family travel arrangements so we ate, played board games and ate some more today….well yesterday. No doubt my body will wake tomorrow a few hours before my brain, and the possibility of doing anything constructive is not on the cards. But today was lovely, a reet good time 😊