Another day conquered….

It’s Sunday. After indulging last night with a takeaway – king prawn pathia, t’was a tasty dish – I wish I could go back. Not to savour it one more time or even to hit delete and choose a healthier option. But to perhaps only eat half, or maybe not have a few slices of the pizza the others had….

Yes I dipped pizza into a curry. Yes it was delicious. And yes I feel like a complete fatty. There is however a sense of achievement here, a tick amongst an array of crosses. I stopped when I was full! Tis true that it was still too much, but the old me would have eaten and eaten……..and eaten……and….well, you know where I’m going. I would’ve rolled myself to bed after demolishing the entire table, perhaps even searched for pudding!

This is where, as poop as I feel for eating it, I proved a point I’ve been trying to make. It is possible to indulge and cure a ‘want’ for something you’re trying to avoid, and I stopped when the urge was satisfied.

Indulgence was fulfilled and conquered.
It also doesn’t mean I am going to starve myself today. I’m going to eat properly and enjoy it. I may even have some pud today if the feeling arises. It’s a case of knowing what your limits are and ensuring you enjoy yourself up to that limit.

I’ve had my egg mashup this morning, with avocado and ham, a touch of greens to top it. With the above feelings of slight regret washed away, I’m feeling good. A happy tum means a happy me. I can’t stress enough how important indulgence is. It’s a release, not because my chosen lifestyle is too difficult, but because sometimes your body wants what it wants.

With a meaty, healthy wrap for lunch, a nice piece of salmon with blueberry labneh & roasted cauliflower for dinner, I’m feeling more than satisfied. It’s been a good few days of grub, gardening and the conquering of anxiety. A trip or two to the neighbouring town with family – my father and little sister Millie – without my safety blanket, my rock, my mum. It was difficult, but I held it together. They know my struggle which makes it easier.

Indulge, accept and conquer 😊😊


Daily drivel #4….

On waking this morning after a night of agitation, I’m feeling somewhat KNACKERED! A feeling of needing to move my limbs, something I haven’t felt for a while. As if my body is on a high whilst my head just wants to turn off.

This feeling used to be a precursor for unwarranted rage. Anger used to consume me and try it’s hardest to destroy me – physically and mentally. Now, with a slightly tidier head, the need to lash out isn’t as strong. Still simmering underneath but never to reach the surface.

I guess I can look at this as growth. But why do I get this feeling again? Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to move forward. Maybe it is as I said above, mind and body not in sync.

Anyway, the gym was a success today in spite of my turbulent night. A strength day followed by 40 minutes of cardio. Maybe this is what my body needed, all it’s energy drained. Tired and exhausted like my brain.

The earphones helped once again, though the gym is a safe zone. Music playing and exercise make me feel relaxed, without thought and a sense of freedom. With the diet/lifestyle changes I’ve put into action, I look forward to seeing positive results, in and out of the gym, in my body and mind.

Still with a smile on my face, I think I should put the ‘always move forward’ mentality on to a simmer. Take each day, each challenge and each victory as they come. Put some trust into the progress and changes I have made so far. Granted I’ll always want to move forward, but let’s live in the now and make the most of it!

Smiley 😊

A lifted fog….a muted thunderstorm….

To say I’ve fixed a problem would be bold. To say I’ve conquered and surpassed it, even bolder. To say I’ve found a sneaky shortcut may be a cocky and assured notion, but I think this is as close to a description as I can get.

I’m talking about anxiety. A fear of people and crowds is that of deep and hateful torment. Noise and commotion a trigger. I’ve never been one for socialising or even conversation. As much as I’ve come to accept attacks, they’ll never be okay, never a delightful experience. Always a terrifying ordeal and something I never want again. But a sense of ‘it’ll pass’ seems a new undercurrent to the anxious fog and thunderstorm.

After playing around with the times I take my medication – with the psychiatrist’s okay – I’ve found that a sense of control has snuck it’s way in.

This, however isn’t the sneaky shortcut. I’ve found that during an attack, music is an escape from the situation I find myself in. Earphones in, music of any sort – from classical & soul to heavy metal & R&B – I’ve realised that the sounds from all around are a large problem for me, as well as all the people and goings-on.

So to effectively mute my surroundings, my frazzled mind only has to deal with the sights and atmosphere. Do I feel rude and ignorant having silenced any incoming voice or sound? No. Do I feel immense glee that I’ve un-fogged a miniscule part of my anxiety? Also no. But it’s a pathway to a possible future where anxiety and panic are no longer needed in my vocabulary. Giving me a chance to overcome each sense at a time.

It may be a little victory, but as I’ve said before, these are important. And I’m smiling. Smiling at my little accomplishment 😊😊

Jibber-jabber at dawn….

Waking this early is a rare occurrence for me. Sleep evades me at night and a groggy doze in the morning is much needed. This morning, however, with the sun beaming in and the tweet of birds, I woke almost immediately with wide eyes and a bushy tail.
Sleep is a valuable thing when it comes to mental illness. A lack of it and the risk of a downward spiral increases. That’s how it is for me anyway, especially depression. The frustration of wanting but not getting the sleep you so desperately crave is bad enough, but a tired mind is vulnerable aside from the obvious frustration.
Today isn’t one of those days. Yes I was absolutely knackered – sleep an evasive foe, a nemesis, a more than worthy adversary – yet my eyes weren’t cloudy, my head semi awake and body ache free.
I guess what I learned from this is, I need not fret at 3am that sleep is once again trying to ruin my tomorrow. Wait and see what the morning brings.

Dawn, late morning or even lunchtime. Just wait and see….

Daily drivel….


Today was a good day. A change from the norm, I ventured out with the fam to a park. Park isn’t exactly the best description of this place. It was beautiful! And huge!

Not feeling so confident amongst people, I worried I’d made a mistake in going. With children in tow, the play area was an obvious point of interest. The noise and commotion was too much. What was I expecting……people at a park? Nooooo…..well obviously! With the inevitable draw of which a play area has for families, I made a quick escape.

Off the beaten track…

People were few, none in fact. The air was that of nature. And the scenery, that of perfection, film set worthy. Being alone probably isn’t the best for a broken mind in need of interaction practice, but I was loving the tranquil surroundings and time to….well…not think. It was a nice change to have an empty head.

The journey home always seems to go by that little bit quicker. Idiot drivers not imprinting anger on my face, nor were the road works – ‘works’ used rather broadly – it was a nice day all round. Pooch asleep in the back, snoring & stretching out. Mum trying her hardest not to join him in slumber. Brother and family heading their separate ways. Everybody smiling, tuckered out and ready for a nap.

T’was a good day.