It’s Christmas! I saw it arrive and I continue to stare at the ceiling. I’m not frustrated by this, I’m just vacant. To think all the hype, the build up is for one day….today….this day that I analyse the pattern on my ceiling, the same pattern that stares back at me whether it’s Christmas or mid July. Maybe I’m just a Grinch….bah humbug….a Scrooge….I don’t know. Just the very idea that one day among 365 is built up for months kinda kills it for me.
I remember a time that I’d be staring at a different ceiling feeling so much excitement I felt as if I were a firework ready to blow! It was a lovely feeling and I wish I could get back to that. Just enjoy and take it for what it is, a celebration regardless of anything else.
Like I said in the previous post, we had our family meal and did the Christmas thing two days ago, and it was lovely. I could see past the build up and just enjoy the day. Maybe that’s why I feel so vacant today, through exhaustion after allowing myself to freely enjoy that day. I sometimes forget I’m not aloud to have a good time, my head doesn’t approve and will punish accordingly.
Maybe I’m just feeling like this because of the same old pattern staring back at me, added to the lack of sleep and that lovely day. Maybe I’ll be alright later, festive and raring to watch Christmas films, eat left over turkey and cake/chocolate galore. Even wear a Santa Clause jumper and some elf slippers jus because!
Like I’ve said, it’s a tough time of year, but I hope this rambling hasn’t ruined it for anyone. I hope you all have a fantastic day, enjoy it for what it is, take it by the horns and make the most of it. Eat so much you can’t move. Listen to Christmas songs until they play like white noise in your noggin and watch – It’s A Wonderful Life, Die Hard, Home Alone, Miracle On 34th Street – and many more until you fall asleep. A sleep so heavy you may miss New Year!
Merry Christmas everyone, muchas loves
This time of year is a tough one. Not necessarily because of all the booze flying around through adverts and parties on social media etc, but more the memories and possible interaction/visitors. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely to see family and friends over the holidays, but the festivities seem to bring a strange pressure.
As far as visitors go, there are too many fingers on one hand to count them, however, not enough on both to count the memories and bad thoughts that perch themselves on my lap. My life seemed to miss a year, starting around this time two years ago. Shit hit the fan to maximum effect and just kept on spinning. Uncontrollable drinking and thinking, an imploding mind, anger and an emergency visit to the psychiatric hospital after a complete breakdown. These are things I would like to forget but never will.
There was a time I really loved going all out for Christmas, no stress was too much stress and if I wasn’t completely shattered by around 4pm I mustn’t have gone hard enough. I’d play it down, stating I wasn’t a big fan of it, but this wasn’t true. Even in my early twenties I’d wake up Christmas morning….if I’d slept at all through the excitement…giddy as a four year old! It was just a special time!
Being an alcoholic, Christmas has never really been much different to any other time. A drink was a drink, any time……all the time, anywhere as always. So now two years in to recovery, not drinking at Christmas is the same as not drinking throughout the year. But the memories still prod and poke fun at me. The presence of family/friends becomes too much and space, peace and clarity are hard to find even when they’re gone.
Today, however has been wonderful. Flagging towards the end but I made it through with a smile. Our Christmas was a little early due to family travel arrangements so we ate, played board games and ate some more today….well yesterday. No doubt my body will wake tomorrow a few hours before my brain, and the possibility of doing anything constructive is not on the cards. But today was lovely, a reet good time 😊
So 4 hours was all I was allowed….I’ll take it! A successful nights sleep!
I dreamt of cooking. Cooking my food for anyone and everyone, my very own restaurant once again, like the old one. It was nice to dream of cooking again, a welcome blast from the past.
Perhaps today I’ll get in the kitchen. Capitalise on this dream, create some fire……whilst doing my upmost not to burn the house down. It’s a strange one, from loving every aspect of a busy kitchen…the only place anxiety seemed to melt away…to never wanting to cook again. The very thought of picking up a knife or pan was gut wrenching and filled with fear.
Since then I have been able to cook. A breakfast of eggs & oats, the odd fish dish and stew. And now I’m even contemplating ‘just cooking’. Anything, everything. I want to make bread, pasta, pastry. Ooo sauces, dressings and flavoursome stocks. A parfait there, a lobster bisque here. Pickles and chutney. A delicate rose jelly and macerated fruits. An ice cream and a sorbet…….the list of what goes through my mind is endless!
To be back among fresh produce, tasting the fruits of another’s labour. The smells of fruit, herbs and vegetables, a welcoming entrance to the local grocer’s.
I hope this new view and mentality holds on long enough to stick. One day, a return to some form of a chef may still be achievable 😊