Out of the blue….a killjoy….

Halloween has been and gone, roll on the next date of significance! Bonfire night is next, a special day as it’s my mother’s birthday. I only hope we can all enjoy the day without my inability to cope with social situations cropping up and ruining it all.

To be fair, as a family we enjoy the company of each other rather than a big social event. So that’s what we will be doing, having family time. That doesn’t mean my anxiety and mind mush won’t storm in, out of the blue, bold as brass and kill all the joy in the room. It happened on Halloween. Cooking, eating, playing Pictionary and walking through the village in the dark. The kids enjoyed it, and so did us adults!

But, just like a turd rolled in glitter, cracks started to show. The facade of glitter, cascading off to reveal my ugly mind that just won’t let me enjoy myself. It’s as if a debate goes on betwixt my ears…..’okay, he’s had fun for a few hours now, all those in favour or shutting him down raise your hand’…. And that’s it. No turning back, no chance of recovery. Marring the entire day, staining it with my inability to cope once again. It doesn’t seem to matter how good I’m feeling as a whole, my mind will always fatigue.

Memory of the night is patchy unless I really focus. As if a mental block sits in my way. I know we all had a good time and I know I was up for longer than I was down. But all I seem to remember is a struggle. A mass of voices, lights and background noise. I can’t put my finger on what the noise was or if the voices were in the room or my head, but I do know it’s shown me a lot. It’s shown that no matter how far I’ve come, a big issue still lies in front of me. How can I possibly get back to a normal life when more than two voices in a room become too much. When background noise, whatever it is, takes over and becomes too much.

I want to remember good days without having to fight through the garbage my mind makes a priority. I want to have good days without ending in struggle and torment. I want this blog to get back to it’s positive days….


Nightly notion #2….

To think a day in the fresh air and a full tum would mean Oji (the pug) would chill and get to sleep early was wishful thinking.

From one toy to the next, tug of war, soggy teddies and destroyed rubber bones. To ‘please let me outside, run after me, I’ll run after you, pick up my poo and now take me back in’.

I can appreciate he’s a puppy, wanting to play and be glued to my side is endearing and one of the reasons I love him.

It fascinates me though, how two species with zero understanding of each others needs (apart from the obvious) can become so attached. I still, eight months on, have no idea what he’s trying to communicate during his chimp Impression. All that is missing are the opposable thumbs!

‘Is it food? Is it poop? Is it – can I please, oh please read the newspaper after you?’

How great would the latter be?!


As he falls asleep on my leg and my eyes get heavy, I can only guess what dances around in his think tank.

He’s always there, always loyal, so I must be doing something right….