Nightly notion #9….

Sleep, oh you sadistic bastard. I can see you, lurking beyond my reach, laughing at me as I stretch and claw my way to you.

Eyes dry yet weeping, so tired and heavy. Weighted bags underneath, resting on my chubby cheeks. All I want is to snore the house down, dream of sleeping tightly and wake only once…in the morning.

I read, I write, I’ve been counting sheep. This farmer has his hands full, there’s no doubt. Oh to sleep soundly and wake up refreshed, a dream in itself, a day dream…with eyes wide open.

Maybe it’s me, a masochist blaming ‘sleep’. I ask my weary self, “are you doing this to yourself?”. I get no answer. So I ask sleep, “do you enjoy this?”. It continues to laugh and pull further in to the dark.

Just once let me sleep, just once be my friend. Let me bask in your peace, let me drool and snore the night away….

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Jibber-jabber at dawn….

Waking this early is a rare occurrence for me. Sleep evades me at night and a groggy doze in the morning is much needed. This morning, however, with the sun beaming in and the tweet of birds, I woke almost immediately with wide eyes and a bushy tail.
Sleep is a valuable thing when it comes to mental illness. A lack of it and the risk of a downward spiral increases. That’s how it is for me anyway, especially depression. The frustration of wanting but not getting the sleep you so desperately crave is bad enough, but a tired mind is vulnerable aside from the obvious frustration.
Today isn’t one of those days. Yes I was absolutely knackered – sleep an evasive foe, a nemesis, a more than worthy adversary – yet my eyes weren’t cloudy, my head semi awake and body ache free.
I guess what I learned from this is, I need not fret at 3am that sleep is once again trying to ruin my tomorrow. Wait and see what the morning brings.

Dawn, late morning or even lunchtime. Just wait and see….

Nightly notion….

I lie here tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring. Will it be a day to remember?

 

Will a day to remember actually be as it sounds?… One of those days you wish could be replayed maybe once a week or even everyday. Are those days littered in our past without actually being remembered? Maybe. I guess it’s irrelevant if the memories – whenever you think of them – make you smile….

 

Thinking back is always a risky business for me, somehow almost always reliving the bad. Tonight I am thinking of happy times however. Once again it’s a family thang!

 

My grandad’s face, the chuckle he had as he lifted a cheek…this wasn’t just a singular day, more a regular occurrence….love you grandad! On holiday, my mum, racing my brother and I, always faster than us even in heels. Grandma dishing up homemade apple pie, mmmmm. Grandma, when you gonna make apple pie again?! And my brother, well everything we do together is something to remember. Watching him take toys apart only to put them back together with ease is a fond one. My attempt not so gracious…..smash….look befuddled….cry….. I can laugh about it now 😂

 

These are just a select few memories. It’s surprising to me how many are floating through my head.

 

I’ll sleep well tonight……one can only hope.