After a tiring spell at the gym yesterday, I’m feeling rather fatigued. Getting there was a tough start to the day, but with hood up and earphones in, I just about managed a back workout. Throughout, my mind was running a mile a minute. I could almost smell the burning cogs as they all but buckled under the strain.
Today, an increase in my medication was a necessity. Broken sleep and waking with cogs still turning, silence would be a blessing.
A touch of positivity is trying it’s hardest to sprout, like a dash of green in a crusted, parched desert. That would be a sense of achievement. That golden sweet essence amongst dank misery. I managed the gym, a successful workout and that puts a lil smile on my face.
Success is short lived however, anger and frustration at incoherent bullshit in my head trips me up and I face plant in to hatred for myself and everything about me! Gnawing at the very tissue that regurgitates conversation and interaction, self doubt and nonsense soup, is this festering gremlin that wants me to implode.
Tonight I will probably fail at sleep, grow the frustration from a meagre, yet powerful sapling into a mighty, zombie-esque oak! And tomorrow it will start all over again or just build on it’s impressive progress.
Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start….but is it? How can one keep going when the inevitability of utter shite is around every corner, lingering within every interaction and peering down from the cuckoo clock of a brain I have?!
I just want a day….I’ve had a taste for it….I want more, I need more….