Nightly notion #8…. contradicting emotions….

It’s been a strange few days betwixt my ears. I wouldn’t say down or even unhappy, just different.

I’ve been cooking a lot more, it feels good. It’s a newfound, yet previously felt passion that I never thought I’d feel again. The very thought of cooking, proper cooking, terrified me. Yes I’ve made scrambled egg and a bit of chicken and vegetables, but putting thought-out dishes together has been a great success on my journey through recovery.

The feeling I mention above, is something like a sense of regret combined with ‘what could’ve been’. Perhaps even a dash of shame. I think, anyway. It seems a contradicting set of emotions, to feel joy and passion, to then let it be overshadowed by these feelings.

I think to myself, ‘it’ll pass’, but will it? Am I allowed to enjoy something I once loved? Even though I let everything surrounding this very passion, including the passion itself, crash and burn?…. It brings back the hatred I once had for myself, the shame of our family business having to abruptly cease due to my breakdown. I know they don’t agree with that and they will in no doubt tell me off for thinking these things. To this day it still sits in the back of my mind however, vegetating and growing fur.

I feel I need to get determined to overcome this irrational emotion. Kick it’s ass to the curb and enjoy anything that makes me smile. Cooking is a love, a hobby and a space in which I’m free.

One day I hope to call myself a chef again. One day I hope to come to terms with the disaster surrounding this passion and conquer it even more so than I have previously! One day I will have a kitchen, call myself the chef and I’ll smile, morning, noon and night….

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Sam…more than a brother….

My brother has always been a vision of calm. A role model I still strive to follow. Throughout my life, I’ve looked up to Sam, smiled at his presence in my life and his gentle, unimposing nature.

We may have fought as children, the odd spat here and there, but he has always been someone I’ve strived to emulate. From teens until now we’re best friends. From comfortable silences to incoherent rambles, times of difficulty to moments of synchronised merriment and glee.

His struggles have been from childhood, never really knowing what was wrong, he went from day to day, year after year. With several diagnoses not coming until his late 20’s to early 30’s, his fight has always been in silence. We knew he wasn’t well, the lack of knowledge hindered the help we could offer, it’s heart breaking when I look back. The confusion & frustration must have been unbearable.

As I sit here today with my own struggles, he never fails to make me smile when frowns are all I can muster. He continues to portray a man I would like to be, and if I could take his battle from him, I would do so in a heartbeat.

There is so much more I could write, I cannot praise and stress enough how important you are to me! So this is to you, Sam, never change who you are, you’re more than a brother, more than a best friend, an inspiration of how people should be. I hope I can be half as inspiring and influential to you as you have been for me.

Love you bruder, keep smiling 😊 xx

Jibber-jabber at dawn #3….

Birds are tweeting outside my window, many different chirps from an array of species. It’s an amazing sound. Makes me think of my grandad. He loved his garden and all the birds in it. A finch here, a wagtail there and the resident woodpecker.

After putting up bird feeders in the garden, the flocks have once again returned. I could sit and watch for hours.

This being said, there’s gardening to do…..well the dismantling of a shed anyway. This should be fun, especially as I have no idea what I’m doing. I think that’s the best part though, learning as you go. Many mistakes teach many lessons….or so I hope.

Learning as I go seems to be a regular path within this latest chapter of my life. Building a table from spare wood we had lying around. Measuring and sawing, to using a planer and a sander. Then to the paint, one coat, then two. With perfection an aim I hold dear, I had to accept I wouldn’t get it, however I knew I’d learn and feel a sense of achievement. And I did.

After building a bird feeder from chicken wire and off cuts, then a plant pot feeder and fixing some broken tools, my next job is to dismantle. This isn’t just because I’m a destructive so-and-so, more a need for more wood to build and make new things! Plus the shed ain’t plum. Tis a leaning, warped giant spider web encased in perfectly reusable materials.

Positivity is a rainbow above my head today. Let’s crack on and bring down these walls! ‘Shed…you WILL be conquered!’
😊😊

Nightly notion….

I lie here tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring. Will it be a day to remember?

 

Will a day to remember actually be as it sounds?… One of those days you wish could be replayed maybe once a week or even everyday. Are those days littered in our past without actually being remembered? Maybe. I guess it’s irrelevant if the memories – whenever you think of them – make you smile….

 

Thinking back is always a risky business for me, somehow almost always reliving the bad. Tonight I am thinking of happy times however. Once again it’s a family thang!

 

My grandad’s face, the chuckle he had as he lifted a cheek…this wasn’t just a singular day, more a regular occurrence….love you grandad! On holiday, my mum, racing my brother and I, always faster than us even in heels. Grandma dishing up homemade apple pie, mmmmm. Grandma, when you gonna make apple pie again?! And my brother, well everything we do together is something to remember. Watching him take toys apart only to put them back together with ease is a fond one. My attempt not so gracious…..smash….look befuddled….cry….. I can laugh about it now 😂

 

These are just a select few memories. It’s surprising to me how many are floating through my head.

 

I’ll sleep well tonight……one can only hope.