Nightly notion #2….

To think a day in the fresh air and a full tum would mean Oji (the pug) would chill and get to sleep early was wishful thinking.

From one toy to the next, tug of war, soggy teddies and destroyed rubber bones. To ‘please let me outside, run after me, I’ll run after you, pick up my poo and now take me back in’.

I can appreciate he’s a puppy, wanting to play and be glued to my side is endearing and one of the reasons I love him.

It fascinates me though, how two species with zero understanding of each others needs (apart from the obvious) can become so attached. I still, eight months on, have no idea what he’s trying to communicate during his chimp Impression. All that is missing are the opposable thumbs!

‘Is it food? Is it poop? Is it – can I please, oh please read the newspaper after you?’

How great would the latter be?!

Anyway…

As he falls asleep on my leg and my eyes get heavy, I can only guess what dances around in his think tank.

He’s always there, always loyal, so I must be doing something right….

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Daily drivel….

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Today was a good day. A change from the norm, I ventured out with the fam to a park. Park isn’t exactly the best description of this place. It was beautiful! And huge!

Not feeling so confident amongst people, I worried I’d made a mistake in going. With children in tow, the play area was an obvious point of interest. The noise and commotion was too much. What was I expecting……people at a park? Nooooo…..well obviously! With the inevitable draw of which a play area has for families, I made a quick escape.

Off the beaten track…

People were few, none in fact. The air was that of nature. And the scenery, that of perfection, film set worthy. Being alone probably isn’t the best for a broken mind in need of interaction practice, but I was loving the tranquil surroundings and time to….well…not think. It was a nice change to have an empty head.

The journey home always seems to go by that little bit quicker. Idiot drivers not imprinting anger on my face, nor were the road works – ‘works’ used rather broadly – it was a nice day all round. Pooch asleep in the back, snoring & stretching out. Mum trying her hardest not to join him in slumber. Brother and family heading their separate ways. Everybody smiling, tuckered out and ready for a nap.

T’was a good day.

Progression and regression….

Although change ultimately comes from within, physical change that others and the mirror can see will be the first to be noticed.

No matter how hard you may try, if the progress isn’t that of linear progression, a sense of ‘failure’ (I hate this word) will sit like a turd at the back of your mind….or even the forefront. This thought itself is where a pattern of little progress followed by regression can feed and grow. Regressing back to a former state, leaving all the hard work you’ve done to disintegrate as if it were a myth.

For me, this is a common occurrence. Appreciating growth and progress no matter the size or life altering consequence/benefit, an impatient and downright foolish mentality sucks the life out of something that will ultimately be beautiful. Whether it be massive or minor, progress is something to savour. Physical, mental or emotional.

Be proud of who you are, where you’re going and the progress you’re making! See the beauty in the simple things and give yourself a break.

Nightly notion….

I lie here tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring. Will it be a day to remember?

 

Will a day to remember actually be as it sounds?… One of those days you wish could be replayed maybe once a week or even everyday. Are those days littered in our past without actually being remembered? Maybe. I guess it’s irrelevant if the memories – whenever you think of them – make you smile….

 

Thinking back is always a risky business for me, somehow almost always reliving the bad. Tonight I am thinking of happy times however. Once again it’s a family thang!

 

My grandad’s face, the chuckle he had as he lifted a cheek…this wasn’t just a singular day, more a regular occurrence….love you grandad! On holiday, my mum, racing my brother and I, always faster than us even in heels. Grandma dishing up homemade apple pie, mmmmm. Grandma, when you gonna make apple pie again?! And my brother, well everything we do together is something to remember. Watching him take toys apart only to put them back together with ease is a fond one. My attempt not so gracious…..smash….look befuddled….cry….. I can laugh about it now 😂

 

These are just a select few memories. It’s surprising to me how many are floating through my head.

 

I’ll sleep well tonight……one can only hope.

Breaking points and breaking boundaries….

When does an achievable boundary become a breaking point? It all depends on how it is dealt with. Today I hit both, pushing past a boundary to stare a breaking point dead in the eye.

After pushing myself to get out of the house, away from this very screen, a trip to a friend’s eatery was an aim worth pushing for. A pizzanini was on the cards – pizza meets panini. After achieving this feat I was rewarded greatly. Sitting comfortably, even ordering for myself I sipped a cappuccino and slowly DEMOLISHED that carb filled goodness!

With pooch and mum in tow, I proceeded to eat cake! It was a success! With this being said, a boundary overcome, I went fishing for more mind building progress. To venture down the street has long been an absolutely terrifying prospect. Even before my breakdown I feared it, forcing my way through to hide this irrational terror.

All this jostling with boundaries and breakthroughs is surprisingly tiring. Exhausting in fact. The street was hollering to me, however, ‘conquer me and wave goodbye to your fear’.

This was where a boundary, an achievable goal began to slowly turn to a breaking point. With no option to turn back, eyes glued to the pavement in front of me, the counting of steps began. To reach fifty and still barely halfway, vulnerability was like a pitchfork to the head.

With 202 steps on the clock, a detour was a must. Between shops to a people free alleyway reduced the panic no end.

Before it got too much, my breaking point, I reached and surpassed multiple goals. Pushed passed fears. And ultimately, took it right to the point of ‘oh shit, what am I doing!?’ before I backed down. That is the achievement here, that is a victory for Smiley.

I’ve sat and soaked in fear of these breaking points. Terrified that if I get too close to one I’ll lose my mind again. I can’t bare think about that. But this success today helped me realise that, as said before, I control me. I know where that point is and I can face it, avoid it and even narrowly dodge it if needs be.

Don’t be fearful of what could happen. Be aware of who you are, every feeling and do as much as you can up to that point of vulnerability. In time this point will move further and further past where it started. And what could happen turns into a speck. An eye squinting dot in the distance.

I’m pushing to get to a place in life where fear is a secondary feeling, behind that of intrigue, nervous excitement and anticipation. Break boundaries, wave goodbye to breaking points and sayonara to all consuming anxiety!