Progression and regression….

Although change ultimately comes from within, physical change that others and the mirror can see will be the first to be noticed.

No matter how hard you may try, if the progress isn’t that of linear progression, a sense of ‘failure’ (I hate this word) will sit like a turd at the back of your mind….or even the forefront. This thought itself is where a pattern of little progress followed by regression can feed and grow. Regressing back to a former state, leaving all the hard work you’ve done to disintegrate as if it were a myth.

For me, this is a common occurrence. Appreciating growth and progress no matter the size or life altering consequence/benefit, an impatient and downright foolish mentality sucks the life out of something that will ultimately be beautiful. Whether it be massive or minor, progress is something to savour. Physical, mental or emotional.

Be proud of who you are, where you’re going and the progress you’re making! See the beauty in the simple things and give yourself a break.


Nightly notion….

I lie here tonight wondering what tomorrow will bring. Will it be a day to remember?


Will a day to remember actually be as it sounds?… One of those days you wish could be replayed maybe once a week or even everyday. Are those days littered in our past without actually being remembered? Maybe. I guess it’s irrelevant if the memories – whenever you think of them – make you smile….


Thinking back is always a risky business for me, somehow almost always reliving the bad. Tonight I am thinking of happy times however. Once again it’s a family thang!


My grandad’s face, the chuckle he had as he lifted a cheek…this wasn’t just a singular day, more a regular occurrence….love you grandad! On holiday, my mum, racing my brother and I, always faster than us even in heels. Grandma dishing up homemade apple pie, mmmmm. Grandma, when you gonna make apple pie again?! And my brother, well everything we do together is something to remember. Watching him take toys apart only to put them back together with ease is a fond one. My attempt not so gracious…..smash….look befuddled….cry….. I can laugh about it now 😂


These are just a select few memories. It’s surprising to me how many are floating through my head.


I’ll sleep well tonight……one can only hope.

Breaking points and breaking boundaries….

When does an achievable boundary become a breaking point? It all depends on how it is dealt with. Today I hit both, pushing past a boundary to stare a breaking point dead in the eye.

After pushing myself to get out of the house, away from this very screen, a trip to a friend’s eatery was an aim worth pushing for. A pizzanini was on the cards – pizza meets panini. After achieving this feat I was rewarded greatly. Sitting comfortably, even ordering for myself I sipped a cappuccino and slowly DEMOLISHED that carb filled goodness!

With pooch and mum in tow, I proceeded to eat cake! It was a success! With this being said, a boundary overcome, I went fishing for more mind building progress. To venture down the street has long been an absolutely terrifying prospect. Even before my breakdown I feared it, forcing my way through to hide this irrational terror.

All this jostling with boundaries and breakthroughs is surprisingly tiring. Exhausting in fact. The street was hollering to me, however, ‘conquer me and wave goodbye to your fear’.

This was where a boundary, an achievable goal began to slowly turn to a breaking point. With no option to turn back, eyes glued to the pavement in front of me, the counting of steps began. To reach fifty and still barely halfway, vulnerability was like a pitchfork to the head.

With 202 steps on the clock, a detour was a must. Between shops to a people free alleyway reduced the panic no end.

Before it got too much, my breaking point, I reached and surpassed multiple goals. Pushed passed fears. And ultimately, took it right to the point of ‘oh shit, what am I doing!?’ before I backed down. That is the achievement here, that is a victory for Smiley.

I’ve sat and soaked in fear of these breaking points. Terrified that if I get too close to one I’ll lose my mind again. I can’t bare think about that. But this success today helped me realise that, as said before, I control me. I know where that point is and I can face it, avoid it and even narrowly dodge it if needs be.

Don’t be fearful of what could happen. Be aware of who you are, every feeling and do as much as you can up to that point of vulnerability. In time this point will move further and further past where it started. And what could happen turns into a speck. An eye squinting dot in the distance.

I’m pushing to get to a place in life where fear is a secondary feeling, behind that of intrigue, nervous excitement and anticipation. Break boundaries, wave goodbye to breaking points and sayonara to all consuming anxiety!