Nightly notion #11….

Tonight is one of those nights. One with tired eyes but a busy brain. Until I stop and think…or not think…thoughts are a mile a minute. Fleeting and forgotten. Imagine fanning through the pages of a dictionary, A-Z quick as a flash. What do you see? What do you remember seeing?

Rain on the window is soothing, a temporary break from my dictionary conundrum. Snoring dog with active dreams, a chuckle to lighten the mood. Tis all good I tell myself, Aardvark and Zephyr….who cares what else supersonics it’s way through. Forgettable thoughts and notions are probably not worth the bother.

So how to shut it down, where is this off switch? If I count sheep I’d no doubt have to give them all names. Lambchop and Doris would be mum and dad. Grandpa Gravy and granny…..How’s about reading, replace incoherent with coherent, meaningful words on a page?

You know just writing is sometimes enough to adjust the dimmer on the off switch. I’m still smiling and I can’t wait for the day tomorrow. A break from doing too much is still on the cards, let’s make it to the psychiatrist next week and go from there.

Goodnight all and pleasant dreams 😊

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Tranquil….yet deafening….

There are moments throughout the day, perhaps a week, where the peace of an empty garden is lost amongst a hoard of noise trapped in my acoustic mind, orchestral without an ounce of class. Just being, just enjoying is impossible. A sad and lonely time where time itself seems to stand still.

If the symphony in question was just that, a symphony, then perhaps I would be content in letting it pass by. It is me, myself and I contorting every unnecessary thought and question in to a bloody mess. It’s no mean feat to take a Beethoven sonata, quash it and turn it in to a mechanical cluster fuck of unnecessary bullshit! Franz Schubert into screaming cats or a Johann Sebastian Bach to a whirring cement mixer filled with broken glass and unsuspecting lemmings! Silence is the masterpiece I wish I could hold on to, or at least find at times like this.

I put my socks on the other morning, right then left. Nothing strange in that is there? No, of course not. Then the question pops in to my ever welcoming head…would I somehow be unhappy if I did it the other way? Would it spark a torch of good feeling and somehow make this day the best ever? Whilst mulling this over, I contemplate taking them back off, for test purposes obviously. In the time it takes me to muddle over this pig swill, my pug had got himself back to bed and was snoring the house down!

This is a minor example of the ridiculous lengths my brain goes to, so it’s owner, me, feels as though there aren’t enough pills or doctors in the world.

When in conversation, usually a response to something, a question, a statement, just general chit chat, is off the cuff and spontaneous to a degree. I find myself analysing, not only the words I’m hearing but the words in which I plan to release into the world. More often than not, spontaneity rules after all as I decide anything else is just garbage.

Talking one on one is okay, not so much with new people, but when a third voice jumps in to the mix….no chance. At first I’m grasping the conversation by the short and curlies! Then, gone, I cannot catch up and my contribution is done. I sit vacant, with a touch of bewilderment and ‘please help me!’. Conscious of the goings on around me, the people, the sounds, even where exits are. A buzz of surrounding noise turns to a blender filled with bricks. A colossal wall of noise, frightening and unstoppable!

I write this now, on a good day. One of the above days behind me, swearing at me in the rear view. Knowing in itself that it will soon hop into an F1 car and catch up to my rickety banger! That doesn’t mean to say I’m dwelling or waiting for the bad times. It’s just nice to get it out….

Daily drivel #8….

A rainy day started with a smile. The cascading droplets, playing a delightful tune on my window. Bursts of energy in the skies, wind thrashing at the pane, droplets turning to individual streams. Rivers of water from clouds of grey, sad in it’s colour, yet a happy patter of sound.

The sound of crunchy, fallen amber leaf turned to silken mulch. Bouncy steps, soggy shoes and refreshing showers. A sensory marvel, a swift change from previous days. Do I prefer this to sweltering heat? I think I do… With my newfound love of taking in my surroundings and simple focus on otherwise unnoticeable, uncontrollable feats. I can see the beauty in the ugly, I see the significance of the insignificant.

I’m starting to really understand how to effectively keep my mind at peace. The simple things keep an otherwise rampant and over processing mind free and at ease. Whether this can help during times of despair, I do not know. A simple raindrop. A footstep on drenched leaves. The smell of a rain soaked patio. It is simplistic bliss.

Watching the sun draw and dry the ground as quickly as it was soaked. Birds tweeting, as if relieved to see the sun again, fleeting movement from bird table to tree. In unison before the rain hits again. Blues, greens and yellows, a smudge in the air as they swoop and feast. Autumn may bring warming shades but our feathered friends never fail to add a dash of bright colour.

I feel I’ve rambled as I sit, wander and wonder. The ramblings of a man in awe of his surroundings and at peace within his noggin. It’s truly amazing…

Amber temptress….

With gardening the cuttings, branches and debris are inevitable….now to the easiest method of disposal….

The fire is catching. A wild and free being, popping and flickering. Roaring and bellowing it’s calming symphony. Behind it’s beauty lies devastation, blackened destruction, a sweet smell of it’s job coming to fruition.

As embers, glowing branches disappear and ashes fall like snow, it’s happy and at peace. Oh what a simple yet terrifying beauty. Scarred surroundings, scorched leaves and grass left in it’s wake. Nothing but satisfaction, do the long gone flames feel. Their job is done, the odd spark holding back to finish what the amber temptress started.

As I sit here staring, hours have gone by. What felt like a lifetime flashed by in a minute. I’d much rather the branches flourish and grow to an untamed wilderness. Though I can’t help admire a flame, that free and unstoppable force. Success in it’s destruction….

From fruitful colour to baron beauty….

Autumn has truly kicked off, marking a time of preparation. The garden in need of taming, frost prevention and bird feeders filled with good fats, mealworms & tasty seeds. Ready for the birds to plump up before the inevitable snow and to keep them going throughout.

This time of year may mark the decline of greenery and blooming flowers, but the auburn shades are atmospheric and delightful. Subtle changes from oranges to browns tower overhead and crinkle underfoot, a simple sensory moment, perfect for painting a smile on your face. And cooler temperatures only make the heart warming food that little more delightful!

Enjoying every element of my surroundings of late, is helping me no end. Watching leaves fall, listening to birds chirp and that special something in the air, just might make this time of year my favourite.

Here’s to savouring the simple things. Seeing the beauty in the things we can’t control. Smiling at a colour, a sound, a smell. Wonderful simplicity….

A beaming light….

Weeks of torment behind me once again. It comes to a point, when I start to wonder what it’s all about? As if it is just the norm, to have good times followed by bad, only to start the cycle over again. When does it all become a tedious process, never to be broken?

A beaming light shining midweek, signalled the end of the downward, sleepless spiral. Granted, sleep isn’t all tikitiboo, but sleep has been had. The shining light, iridescent, marred by cloud, is a thing of beauty yet I’m fearful of what will trigger the next spiral. I feel I’m just playing a waiting game…

I guess I need to enjoy, make the most of, and seize the day at hand. Focus should be on how to exploit these good times and continue the growth I was getting on so well with before the bad times stuck their nose in. As if a blip, or singular scratch on a CD, continuing on with the song and finish what has been started.

So that is what I intend to do. Look at how far I’ve come. A crumpled lump, a mental and physical mess on my brother’s sofa, to where I am now. A gym going, lifestyle changing conqueror. The ‘me’ I almost enjoy looking at in the mirror, the ‘me’ that loves to cook, garden and progress day by day.

Don’t let the down days, or fear of what may happen next, slow you down. Take each day as it comes. Blips happen, shit happens and the fight is what will make you stronger. Enjoy today, tomorrow is a day away and always will be!

Smile, always.

Keeping busy….or wasted time….

As the day slowly trickles by, I sit in a daze, planning my next move. That trickle soon starts to run like a river. Before I know it, it’s reached the sea and the long hike to it’s beginning stands in front of me.

When the gym is the plan, or an amazing set of ingredients lie before me, I prematurely feel a sense of achievement. The day has not been wasted in a daze, it’s bound to be a good day. A daze can be that of innocence or one of turmoil, both feeling like a waste. All we have is time. All it does is pass by. So with the gym or cooking, and even gardening, achievement is achieved….

What to do with those pissed away days of unfulfillment? Just the thought process behind this thought process gives me a headache, still wasting the time as it drifts on by.

I try to enjoy the quiet days, attempting mindfulness to no avail. Being mindful and fretting over the passing time are complete contradictions. Do I stay focused on filling my days in order to become stronger, physically and mentally? Or do I find peace in doing nothing, learning and strengthening my mind in tranquility? If the latter is the choice, how do I accomplish it?

Finding a balance seems to be key. To fill every day at this point in my recovery could be detrimental. And on the same note, tormenting myself on empty days will do the same. How does one find balance when both situations are either end of the spectrum? Finding the middle ground is a difficult one, but one I must find.

Every foot forward continues to outweigh the tiptoes I take backward. I can take solace in that. Progress can flow free and switch to a drip to make you believe you’re not succeeding. But with an aim to conquer and a clear vision of a future self, all progress is great, whether at a snails pace or a whippet’s. My head, though in occasional turmoil, is improving. And that is a fricken amazing achievement!

I may struggle to figure this conundrum out, but I’m still looking forward to the next day….