Daily drivel #4….

On waking this morning after a night of agitation, I’m feeling somewhat KNACKERED! A feeling of needing to move my limbs, something I haven’t felt for a while. As if my body is on a high whilst my head just wants to turn off.

This feeling used to be a precursor for unwarranted rage. Anger used to consume me and try it’s hardest to destroy me – physically and mentally. Now, with a slightly tidier head, the need to lash out isn’t as strong. Still simmering underneath but never to reach the surface.

I guess I can look at this as growth. But why do I get this feeling again? Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to move forward. Maybe it is as I said above, mind and body not in sync.

Anyway, the gym was a success today in spite of my turbulent night. A strength day followed by 40 minutes of cardio. Maybe this is what my body needed, all it’s energy drained. Tired and exhausted like my brain.

The earphones helped once again, though the gym is a safe zone. Music playing and exercise make me feel relaxed, without thought and a sense of freedom. With the diet/lifestyle changes I’ve put into action, I look forward to seeing positive results, in and out of the gym, in my body and mind.

Still with a smile on my face, I think I should put the ‘always move forward’ mentality on to a simmer. Take each day, each challenge and each victory as they come. Put some trust into the progress and changes I have made so far. Granted I’ll always want to move forward, but let’s live in the now and make the most of it!

Smiley 😊

Jibber-jabber at dawn #2….

After writing a ton yesterday, reading it back to myself and hitting delete, I had a moment of emptiness. Just the thought of spending hours, wasting them in fact, cut a little deeper than expected.

I’ve written and deleted before, but yesterday was different. I thought I was on to something. What I was putting on paper felt right, it felt like I had something to say. On reading it back just once, I realised I clearly didn’t.

So I lay back, and had an argument with myself. Fighting the urge to delete everything I’d ever written. It was difficult. Who am I to think anything I’ve written, posted, or created for a novel is good and worthy of others to see.

I thought back to a phrase an old acquaintance once told me. I’m not a fan of it but I think I finally understand it. ‘You’ve got to know when to kill your babies’. The words themselves make you wide eyed and almost gasp in horror. But it relates to what you hold dear. Back then it was used by a sous chef, to a head chef…me. His point was that even if you’ve worked hard on a dish, if you’re not happy with the outcome, know when to keep going or get rid completely.

Thinking of this phrase with a similar horror at it’s words, I finally found relief in it’s meaning. Whether or not this piece of writing deserved to be erased is irrelevant. I wasn’t happy with it. In future I know I need to think more rationally. Take a step back, as my mum says, close down the page and come back to it. Then make that decision and be okay with it.

Know when to take a step back, evaluate and proceed. Sounds easy as I read it back. But it’s a sound piece of advice, one I hope I put in to action…..

Daily drivel #3….

After yesterday’s gym session I’m feeling a little worse for wear. With this being said I don’t want it to ruin my day today!

After a couple of morning stretches, a play fight with the pooch and a delicious eggy breakfast, I’m raring to go again. Yes my muscles still ache and I’m fighting for physical energy, but my mind is in a state of ‘let’s do this!’.

Another day in the garden looming, I’m always excited to check over the fruit trees and flowers. Then it’s on to the grind, the bits that need work and that usually brings with it the chance to dig, chop, saw or build!

With all this being said, in the back of my mind I’m always pondering how much will be too much. As much as this is physical work, when will enough be enough for my head? Sometimes I can go all day, fixing, trimming and planting. But other days, the noise and the repetitive motion can be detrimental to my mental state.

For me this is really frustrating as I’ve always been a physical worker. Why do the two overlap? It’s a pain.

Pushing those thoughts aside, let’s get on with the day and deal with any issues if they arise. Forget what could happen and get on with what makes me feel good now! With a smile on my face and a coffee at hand, what else do I need?!

Keep smiling people. Smilesmilesmile!

A change up….

It’s time for a change….again. I’ve spoken of my fear of change before, afraid to alter a routine I’ve worked hard to put in place and stick to. It seems boredom can set in however. And the body can become used to it also.

So I feel change is a necessity. Although I’m enjoying what I eat & the training I’m doing, slight tweaks will hopefully spark the flame which has started to dwindle. My body reacted really well to the increase in fats and the lowering of carbs so I’m hesitant to alter these. My protein intake seems fine also, and the fruit & veg I consume is that of a healthy amount.

So what to change?

A diet and lifestyle isn’t just about what you consume and the exercise you do. It can be about time management also. So with this being said, I plan to play with the clock. Intermittent fasting is a phrase I’m not too keen on. Fasting in general strikes the fear of God into me, I mean, to fast….no food….what?!? Anyway, I plan to eat my usual diet within an eight hour period. So let’s say 10am – 6pm…..this may change depending how it goes in the first few days.

I’m going to increase the intensity in which I workout. At the moment I’m working with lower weights and higher reps. To see what difference it makes, I’m going to implement strength training days with higher weight and lower reps. Increasing my cardio is also a change, this is one that I’m fearful I won’t stick to…..I’m lazy at heart…..and body……I’m just lazy.

So with time management and slight tweaks in training, let’s see if we can stoke the fire and see more change for the better 😊

If this works out well, I’ll be posting a food & workout plan. If it works for me, it could well work for someone else.

Jibber-jabber at dawn….

Waking this early is a rare occurrence for me. Sleep evades me at night and a groggy doze in the morning is much needed. This morning, however, with the sun beaming in and the tweet of birds, I woke almost immediately with wide eyes and a bushy tail.
Sleep is a valuable thing when it comes to mental illness. A lack of it and the risk of a downward spiral increases. That’s how it is for me anyway, especially depression. The frustration of wanting but not getting the sleep you so desperately crave is bad enough, but a tired mind is vulnerable aside from the obvious frustration.
Today isn’t one of those days. Yes I was absolutely knackered – sleep an evasive foe, a nemesis, a more than worthy adversary – yet my eyes weren’t cloudy, my head semi awake and body ache free.
I guess what I learned from this is, I need not fret at 3am that sleep is once again trying to ruin my tomorrow. Wait and see what the morning brings.

Dawn, late morning or even lunchtime. Just wait and see….

Progression and regression….

Although change ultimately comes from within, physical change that others and the mirror can see will be the first to be noticed.

No matter how hard you may try, if the progress isn’t that of linear progression, a sense of ‘failure’ (I hate this word) will sit like a turd at the back of your mind….or even the forefront. This thought itself is where a pattern of little progress followed by regression can feed and grow. Regressing back to a former state, leaving all the hard work you’ve done to disintegrate as if it were a myth.

For me, this is a common occurrence. Appreciating growth and progress no matter the size or life altering consequence/benefit, an impatient and downright foolish mentality sucks the life out of something that will ultimately be beautiful. Whether it be massive or minor, progress is something to savour. Physical, mental or emotional.

Be proud of who you are, where you’re going and the progress you’re making! See the beauty in the simple things and give yourself a break.

Breaking points and breaking boundaries….

When does an achievable boundary become a breaking point? It all depends on how it is dealt with. Today I hit both, pushing past a boundary to stare a breaking point dead in the eye.

After pushing myself to get out of the house, away from this very screen, a trip to a friend’s eatery was an aim worth pushing for. A pizzanini was on the cards – pizza meets panini. After achieving this feat I was rewarded greatly. Sitting comfortably, even ordering for myself I sipped a cappuccino and slowly DEMOLISHED that carb filled goodness!

With pooch and mum in tow, I proceeded to eat cake! It was a success! With this being said, a boundary overcome, I went fishing for more mind building progress. To venture down the street has long been an absolutely terrifying prospect. Even before my breakdown I feared it, forcing my way through to hide this irrational terror.

All this jostling with boundaries and breakthroughs is surprisingly tiring. Exhausting in fact. The street was hollering to me, however, ‘conquer me and wave goodbye to your fear’.

This was where a boundary, an achievable goal began to slowly turn to a breaking point. With no option to turn back, eyes glued to the pavement in front of me, the counting of steps began. To reach fifty and still barely halfway, vulnerability was like a pitchfork to the head.

With 202 steps on the clock, a detour was a must. Between shops to a people free alleyway reduced the panic no end.

Before it got too much, my breaking point, I reached and surpassed multiple goals. Pushed passed fears. And ultimately, took it right to the point of ‘oh shit, what am I doing!?’ before I backed down. That is the achievement here, that is a victory for Smiley.

I’ve sat and soaked in fear of these breaking points. Terrified that if I get too close to one I’ll lose my mind again. I can’t bare think about that. But this success today helped me realise that, as said before, I control me. I know where that point is and I can face it, avoid it and even narrowly dodge it if needs be.

Don’t be fearful of what could happen. Be aware of who you are, every feeling and do as much as you can up to that point of vulnerability. In time this point will move further and further past where it started. And what could happen turns into a speck. An eye squinting dot in the distance.

I’m pushing to get to a place in life where fear is a secondary feeling, behind that of intrigue, nervous excitement and anticipation. Break boundaries, wave goodbye to breaking points and sayonara to all consuming anxiety!