Nightly notion #13…. dancing wallpaper & subtle tones….

The design of the wallpaper above me shifts and swerves, contorting as my tired eyes strain to see through the pitch black. Sleep doth evade me once again.


With Claire De Lune playing softly, I feel a surreal moment of calm drift over me. As if I were no longer frustrated by the sleep deprivation. I’m content at watching the wallpaper dance and the subtle tones of Debussy play away. Am I actually asleep? Is this a dream?


If so, to wake now would be a travesty. To break this feeling of peace would feel wrong. I’m exhausted, yet I’m calm. Not a worry or thought other than what I hear and see.


It’s night’s like this that make me wonder, is sleep that important when I can be at my most comfortable and relaxed while awake?


Sleep will inevitably happen at some point, for an indeterminate amount of time. And it will be highly appreciated. Sleep I must and sleep I will, dreaming of the tranquillity that prevailed before it.


That’s all I have to say, goodnight 😊

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Jibber-jabber at dawn #7….T’is Christmas!…

It’s Christmas! I saw it arrive and I continue to stare at the ceiling. I’m not frustrated by this, I’m just vacant. To think all the hype, the build up is for one day….today….this day that I analyse the pattern on my ceiling, the same pattern that stares back at me whether it’s Christmas or mid July. Maybe I’m just a Grinch….bah humbug….a Scrooge….I don’t know. Just the very idea that one day among 365 is built up for months kinda kills it for me.

I remember a time that I’d be staring at a different ceiling feeling so much excitement I felt as if I were a firework ready to blow! It was a lovely feeling and I wish I could get back to that. Just enjoy and take it for what it is, a celebration regardless of anything else.

Like I said in the previous post, we had our family meal and did the Christmas thing two days ago, and it was lovely. I could see past the build up and just enjoy the day. Maybe that’s why I feel so vacant today, through exhaustion after allowing myself to freely enjoy that day. I sometimes forget I’m not aloud to have a good time, my head doesn’t approve and will punish accordingly.

Maybe I’m just feeling like this because of the same old pattern staring back at me, added to the lack of sleep and that lovely day. Maybe I’ll be alright later, festive and raring to watch Christmas films, eat left over turkey and cake/chocolate galore. Even wear a Santa Clause jumper and some elf slippers jus because!

Like I’ve said, it’s a tough time of year, but I hope this rambling hasn’t ruined it for anyone. I hope you all have a fantastic day, enjoy it for what it is, take it by the horns and make the most of it. Eat so much you can’t move. Listen to Christmas songs until they play like white noise in your noggin and watch – It’s A Wonderful Life, Die Hard, Home Alone, Miracle On 34th Street – and many more until you fall asleep. A sleep so heavy you may miss New Year!

Merry Christmas everyone, muchas loves

Smiley 😊

Daily drivel #7…. evening routine catch-up….

Another night of broken sleep. It’s becoming a bore, a laughable joke….I’m not laughing however.

Getting to bed by 10pm, to sleep at around 1am. To then wake up at 1.30am, uncomfortable and agitated. Sleep evading capture again until the really early hours, lasting only an hour at most once caught. By 10am I couldn’t lie, staring at the ceiling, with this failure to rest anymore.

So I sit here, zombie-like. A catch-up on my evening routine seems unnecessary, an obsolete reference to my current sleep deprived ‘routine’. But let’s get it out there.

I’ve longed for a solution, a regime that encourages and supports my efforts. After weeks of experimenting, I thought I’d found it. A peaceful evening schedule explained in a previous post. I now, however, seemed to have hit a plateau. So do I get back to the drawing board or push on? Perhaps I’m not giving this routine, I’m somewhat comfortable in, a chance.

There’s always tonight, always a chance of success…