Nightly notion #13…. dancing wallpaper & subtle tones….

The design of the wallpaper above me shifts and swerves, contorting as my tired eyes strain to see through the pitch black. Sleep doth evade me once again.


With Claire De Lune playing softly, I feel a surreal moment of calm drift over me. As if I were no longer frustrated by the sleep deprivation. I’m content at watching the wallpaper dance and the subtle tones of Debussy play away. Am I actually asleep? Is this a dream?


If so, to wake now would be a travesty. To break this feeling of peace would feel wrong. I’m exhausted, yet I’m calm. Not a worry or thought other than what I hear and see.


It’s night’s like this that make me wonder, is sleep that important when I can be at my most comfortable and relaxed while awake?


Sleep will inevitably happen at some point, for an indeterminate amount of time. And it will be highly appreciated. Sleep I must and sleep I will, dreaming of the tranquillity that prevailed before it.


That’s all I have to say, goodnight 😊

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Jibber-jabber at dawn #7….T’is Christmas!…

It’s Christmas! I saw it arrive and I continue to stare at the ceiling. I’m not frustrated by this, I’m just vacant. To think all the hype, the build up is for one day….today….this day that I analyse the pattern on my ceiling, the same pattern that stares back at me whether it’s Christmas or mid July. Maybe I’m just a Grinch….bah humbug….a Scrooge….I don’t know. Just the very idea that one day among 365 is built up for months kinda kills it for me.

I remember a time that I’d be staring at a different ceiling feeling so much excitement I felt as if I were a firework ready to blow! It was a lovely feeling and I wish I could get back to that. Just enjoy and take it for what it is, a celebration regardless of anything else.

Like I said in the previous post, we had our family meal and did the Christmas thing two days ago, and it was lovely. I could see past the build up and just enjoy the day. Maybe that’s why I feel so vacant today, through exhaustion after allowing myself to freely enjoy that day. I sometimes forget I’m not aloud to have a good time, my head doesn’t approve and will punish accordingly.

Maybe I’m just feeling like this because of the same old pattern staring back at me, added to the lack of sleep and that lovely day. Maybe I’ll be alright later, festive and raring to watch Christmas films, eat left over turkey and cake/chocolate galore. Even wear a Santa Clause jumper and some elf slippers jus because!

Like I’ve said, it’s a tough time of year, but I hope this rambling hasn’t ruined it for anyone. I hope you all have a fantastic day, enjoy it for what it is, take it by the horns and make the most of it. Eat so much you can’t move. Listen to Christmas songs until they play like white noise in your noggin and watch – It’s A Wonderful Life, Die Hard, Home Alone, Miracle On 34th Street – and many more until you fall asleep. A sleep so heavy you may miss New Year!

Merry Christmas everyone, muchas loves

Smiley 😊

Nightly notion #11….

Tonight is one of those nights. One with tired eyes but a busy brain. Until I stop and think…or not think…thoughts are a mile a minute. Fleeting and forgotten. Imagine fanning through the pages of a dictionary, A-Z quick as a flash. What do you see? What do you remember seeing?

Rain on the window is soothing, a temporary break from my dictionary conundrum. Snoring dog with active dreams, a chuckle to lighten the mood. Tis all good I tell myself, Aardvark and Zephyr….who cares what else supersonics it’s way through. Forgettable thoughts and notions are probably not worth the bother.

So how to shut it down, where is this off switch? If I count sheep I’d no doubt have to give them all names. Lambchop and Doris would be mum and dad. Grandpa Gravy and granny…..How’s about reading, replace incoherent with coherent, meaningful words on a page?

You know just writing is sometimes enough to adjust the dimmer on the off switch. I’m still smiling and I can’t wait for the day tomorrow. A break from doing too much is still on the cards, let’s make it to the psychiatrist next week and go from there.

Goodnight all and pleasant dreams 😊

A day….just a day….

A killer gym session was followed by a regression into depression. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I thought my worries from earlier today & last night were gone, a figment of my imagination, filtered out through words on this blog.

It appears I have yet to climb out of this hole, this pit of questions, sleeplessness and agitation. My trip to the gym was a momentary cloud on which I floated, oblivious to the shite that is my head down below.

A day is just a day, whereas my mind is something different. The day continues on by the way it always does, the way it was written. My head took it upon itself to go off script, back on it again and ad-lib once more. Whether the script was written with hatred in mind or the ad-lib is the culprit, I’m unaware.

It’s just the lack of sleep, the deprivation of zZ’s. That and the incessant need to do something, anything with my day. The gym may have felt like a stellar idea at the time, maybe it was. Maybe I would be worse off tonight if I skipped it, who knows, I certainly don’t.

These ramblings create another cloud to float upon. I may talk utter nonsense, I may even repeat myself. I just wish this pleasant, cloud of candy floss would forever guide me over the tough, terrible and down right tedious bumps in the road. Potholes. Cavernous craters!

Daily drivel #7…. evening routine catch-up….

Another night of broken sleep. It’s becoming a bore, a laughable joke….I’m not laughing however.

Getting to bed by 10pm, to sleep at around 1am. To then wake up at 1.30am, uncomfortable and agitated. Sleep evading capture again until the really early hours, lasting only an hour at most once caught. By 10am I couldn’t lie, staring at the ceiling, with this failure to rest anymore.

So I sit here, zombie-like. A catch-up on my evening routine seems unnecessary, an obsolete reference to my current sleep deprived ‘routine’. But let’s get it out there.

I’ve longed for a solution, a regime that encourages and supports my efforts. After weeks of experimenting, I thought I’d found it. A peaceful evening schedule explained in a previous post. I now, however, seemed to have hit a plateau. So do I get back to the drawing board or push on? Perhaps I’m not giving this routine, I’m somewhat comfortable in, a chance.

There’s always tonight, always a chance of success…

Nightly notion #9….

Sleep, oh you sadistic bastard. I can see you, lurking beyond my reach, laughing at me as I stretch and claw my way to you.

Eyes dry yet weeping, so tired and heavy. Weighted bags underneath, resting on my chubby cheeks. All I want is to snore the house down, dream of sleeping tightly and wake only once…in the morning.

I read, I write, I’ve been counting sheep. This farmer has his hands full, there’s no doubt. Oh to sleep soundly and wake up refreshed, a dream in itself, a day dream…with eyes wide open.

Maybe it’s me, a masochist blaming ‘sleep’. I ask my weary self, “are you doing this to yourself?”. I get no answer. So I ask sleep, “do you enjoy this?”. It continues to laugh and pull further in to the dark.

Just once let me sleep, just once be my friend. Let me bask in your peace, let me drool and snore the night away….

Evening routine….the search for uninterrupted sleep….

I’ve mentioned in a previous post of my constant and incredibly brain creasing, broken sleep. My aim was to research and attempt to fix this annoyance. But research was a difficult one. So trial and hella error has never been more abused! Well maybe a tad dramatic…

My first trial was an early evening walk, without a major increase in heart rate. I was aiming to burn any physical energy I may have had hiding within limbs. This was a topic of conversation previously also, the incessant need to move my limbs, legs especially. ‘Orrible ‘orrible ‘orrible! I hate this feeling!

So with this not having any affect, the drawing board was once again handy for my scribble. And scribble I did! Jeeeez I haven’t written by hand for so long, it was like a spider with painted feet, drunkenly sprawled it’s way across the paper…..it was illegible.

Pushing on, my next idea was to try the old faithful, yet not to my taste, hot chocolate & a bubbly tub. To my surprise, it worked as far as the need to move lessened….is this a word?….my still broken and evasive sleep was less fidgety….is this a word?….

Whether the bath helped or the cocoa, or even both, I’m not entirely sure. Implementing two new variables made it unclear. So far I’d been working on instant fixes. Ones that I hoped would change the very night at hand. I needed a new tactic!

So with a new approach I decided to work on a routine that eventually my body and mind would see as the warm up before sleep. Every night, at 9pm I would start this routine….

Medication – I’ve found that taking my tablets earlier helps with the relaxing I’m trying so hard to achieve. Then it’s to the bathroom sink – brushing teeth, an evening face scrub and the occasional face mask (I fricken love these things, soooo satisfying!). After the sink routine I would put on a robe and chill with an episode of something thought provoking but not too stimulating…

11pm was time for bed. No matter if I was wide awake, I needed to let my mind and body know this was sleep time!

After just over a week of trials and finally this simple routine, I’ve seen quite astonishing results. At first I would lie in bed staring at the ceiling for hours and sleep, once achieved, would be broken. Eventually however, I was falling asleep fairly soon after getting in bed and gradually my sleep is becoming less turbulent and I’m pretty sure I’m close to getting a full night in the coming days.

There are things in life we can’t control and things we can. Focus on the things you can. Chip away at the annoyances and take control of the little things.

Keep smiling 😊
Love Smiley