Jibber-jabber at dawn #5….

With a semi successful sleep behind me, I stir from my slumber with a minor headache but a smile on my face. Today shall be a productive one.

The garden still with plenty to do, is always a task to look forward to. Shrubs need trimming, borders need tidying and a dismantled shed needs breaking down into usable and unusable. I’ve lost a little momentum with the garden but I’m hoping to build a swing seat out of the decent wood from the shed. I can see it now – birds tweeting, bees and butterflies aplenty, pots and trellises in bloom, and a swing chair to enjoy it all. T’will be amazing…

Today is also a gym day. Forty minutes on the bike has become something I look forward to, a necessary evil turned unexpected joy. And it’s leg day, my favourite! Some may ponder whether I’m being sarcastic here, but as with cardio, I’m loving leg day!

A new found vigour courses through me of late, a want to get things done! I’m giving more 100% at the gym and I’m hoping I can find the same intensity for my gardening again! Building this chair and seeing the success of tidy borders and shrubs will no doubt spur me on no end.

Never giving up and always searching for little victories and enjoyment in life is something I firmly believe everyone should work towards. Yes, you may lose a little momentum or even have completely shite days but there is always something to look forward to. Whether that be a major life change or a minor victory, find what makes you happy and hold on to it….

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Jibber-jabber at dawn #4….

Sleep has once again evaded me, slipping from my grasp like speedy Gonzales covered in butter! Head pounding, even a whisper is that of orchestral symbols and thunder. It is, to put it mildly, a poor start to the day…

In the words of Freddie Mercury and those of show business – ‘The show must go on!’.

So today will start with a handful of tablets, the usual plus added painkillers, and desperate rehydration and eggs. Scrambled with avocado on the side, simplicity at it’s finest. Then to sit and write whatever comes to mind, keep writing until there are no words left.

This afternoon will be a trip to the vets. With anxiety levels on the rise and an inability to shhh my head – hence the writing challenge this morning – I’m worried I may not make the appointment. I hate my struggles imposing on others lives, now the pooch may even suffer….

Thinking and imaging the struggle before it arises, is never a good idea. Sometimes, however, the choice isn’t mine to make. It’s as if something inside my head decides ‘today, you will think, overthink, and think again’.

It’s early yet, perhaps I shouldn’t cook my chickens before they’ve grown?….from fledglings?….or however the saying goes….

Here goes, another day of positives and negatives, smiles and frowns. Which will come out victorious today? Come on positivity!! Come on smiles!!

Nightly notion #5….

With a sense of achievement under my belt, today’s outing being a success, I’m struggling to sleep. It’s typical that a good day is followed by a shite night.

Maybe I need a night time routine. Something to let my body know it’s time to start switching off. A cup of cocoa perhaps?…. Nope, not a fan. Some say a bath…..not sure that’s for me either.

As I’ve changed my lifestyle quite dramatically during the day, I’m thinking vast changes in the evening are also needed. And with change comes highly necessary research and testing. This is my jam, just the thought has already put a smile on my face.

Research, reading and testing……yes indeedy. Positive changes and successful sleep is something I look forward to with gleeful excitement.

As for tonight, Bob Ross will hopefully work his magic. Sleep is coming, and this ‘happy little tree’ painting genius will help me find it 😊😊

G’night folks
Love Smiley.

Daily drivel #4….

On waking this morning after a night of agitation, I’m feeling somewhat KNACKERED! A feeling of needing to move my limbs, something I haven’t felt for a while. As if my body is on a high whilst my head just wants to turn off.

This feeling used to be a precursor for unwarranted rage. Anger used to consume me and try it’s hardest to destroy me – physically and mentally. Now, with a slightly tidier head, the need to lash out isn’t as strong. Still simmering underneath but never to reach the surface.

I guess I can look at this as growth. But why do I get this feeling again? Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself to move forward. Maybe it is as I said above, mind and body not in sync.

Anyway, the gym was a success today in spite of my turbulent night. A strength day followed by 40 minutes of cardio. Maybe this is what my body needed, all it’s energy drained. Tired and exhausted like my brain.

The earphones helped once again, though the gym is a safe zone. Music playing and exercise make me feel relaxed, without thought and a sense of freedom. With the diet/lifestyle changes I’ve put into action, I look forward to seeing positive results, in and out of the gym, in my body and mind.

Still with a smile on my face, I think I should put the ‘always move forward’ mentality on to a simmer. Take each day, each challenge and each victory as they come. Put some trust into the progress and changes I have made so far. Granted I’ll always want to move forward, but let’s live in the now and make the most of it!

Smiley 😊

Nightly notion #3….

To sleep or not to sleep…..isn’t the question. I already know the answer.

No need to fret or waste this time, let’s write! Other than this nugget of nonsense, I’m delving in to my novel. With the general plot and a good character base, I’m fairly deep in to a gripping hook that I hope will continue to excite me.

With a few emotional and thought provoking chapters (if I do say so myself), I’m really eager to continue with the current chapter in which twists, action and unexpected occurrences are keeping me on my toes. I just hope, one day, others will read it and feel the same.

The only problem now is, am I going to get to sleep at all? Concentrating and thinking intently, I’m evading sleep even further. Silly me. At least I’m getting something done. I’ll catch a few hours, no doubt when the sun begins to smile…

Jibber-jabber at dawn….

Waking this early is a rare occurrence for me. Sleep evades me at night and a groggy doze in the morning is much needed. This morning, however, with the sun beaming in and the tweet of birds, I woke almost immediately with wide eyes and a bushy tail.
Sleep is a valuable thing when it comes to mental illness. A lack of it and the risk of a downward spiral increases. That’s how it is for me anyway, especially depression. The frustration of wanting but not getting the sleep you so desperately crave is bad enough, but a tired mind is vulnerable aside from the obvious frustration.
Today isn’t one of those days. Yes I was absolutely knackered – sleep an evasive foe, a nemesis, a more than worthy adversary – yet my eyes weren’t cloudy, my head semi awake and body ache free.
I guess what I learned from this is, I need not fret at 3am that sleep is once again trying to ruin my tomorrow. Wait and see what the morning brings.

Dawn, late morning or even lunchtime. Just wait and see….

Nightly notion #2….

To think a day in the fresh air and a full tum would mean Oji (the pug) would chill and get to sleep early was wishful thinking.

From one toy to the next, tug of war, soggy teddies and destroyed rubber bones. To ‘please let me outside, run after me, I’ll run after you, pick up my poo and now take me back in’.

I can appreciate he’s a puppy, wanting to play and be glued to my side is endearing and one of the reasons I love him.

It fascinates me though, how two species with zero understanding of each others needs (apart from the obvious) can become so attached. I still, eight months on, have no idea what he’s trying to communicate during his chimp Impression. All that is missing are the opposable thumbs!

‘Is it food? Is it poop? Is it – can I please, oh please read the newspaper after you?’

How great would the latter be?!

Anyway…

As he falls asleep on my leg and my eyes get heavy, I can only guess what dances around in his think tank.

He’s always there, always loyal, so I must be doing something right….