Teetering on a knife edge….

Hiding away always seems the easiest option. Just when comfort sets in, an overwhelming bout of anxiety and mind mush sinks it’s teeth right in! It was a lovely day, until this point. But to hide is not my best option, even though it feels safe.

When your happiness & freedom from anxiety teeter on a knife edge, I sometimes wonder how anything can be enjoyable. Is it luck that these feelings simmer under the surface? Or am I fully aware of them, knowing in some way I should just make the most of the good times? It’s a quandary, a fleeting thought process that simply wastes my energy.

I do enjoy days, knowing it may just be that one through the week. But I don’t fester in fear of the bad. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have seen the wood for the trees. I wouldn’t have seen a point in enjoyment when misery lay around the corner. This is a triumph. Although I feel like a bag of turd, I see the glitter in which I could roll. The polish set aside, and a spark of positivity flickers.

Tomorrow is always a day away, always a possibility for happy, jolly times. Let’s take a bad day as just that, singular, just one. Tomorrow is just around the corner…


A beaming light….

Weeks of torment behind me once again. It comes to a point, when I start to wonder what it’s all about? As if it is just the norm, to have good times followed by bad, only to start the cycle over again. When does it all become a tedious process, never to be broken?

A beaming light shining midweek, signalled the end of the downward, sleepless spiral. Granted, sleep isn’t all tikitiboo, but sleep has been had. The shining light, iridescent, marred by cloud, is a thing of beauty yet I’m fearful of what will trigger the next spiral. I feel I’m just playing a waiting game…

I guess I need to enjoy, make the most of, and seize the day at hand. Focus should be on how to exploit these good times and continue the growth I was getting on so well with before the bad times stuck their nose in. As if a blip, or singular scratch on a CD, continuing on with the song and finish what has been started.

So that is what I intend to do. Look at how far I’ve come. A crumpled lump, a mental and physical mess on my brother’s sofa, to where I am now. A gym going, lifestyle changing conqueror. The ‘me’ I almost enjoy looking at in the mirror, the ‘me’ that loves to cook, garden and progress day by day.

Don’t let the down days, or fear of what may happen next, slow you down. Take each day as it comes. Blips happen, shit happens and the fight is what will make you stronger. Enjoy today, tomorrow is a day away and always will be!

Smile, always.

A day….just a day….

A killer gym session was followed by a regression into depression. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I thought my worries from earlier today & last night were gone, a figment of my imagination, filtered out through words on this blog.

It appears I have yet to climb out of this hole, this pit of questions, sleeplessness and agitation. My trip to the gym was a momentary cloud on which I floated, oblivious to the shite that is my head down below.

A day is just a day, whereas my mind is something different. The day continues on by the way it always does, the way it was written. My head took it upon itself to go off script, back on it again and ad-lib once more. Whether the script was written with hatred in mind or the ad-lib is the culprit, I’m unaware.

It’s just the lack of sleep, the deprivation of zZ’s. That and the incessant need to do something, anything with my day. The gym may have felt like a stellar idea at the time, maybe it was. Maybe I would be worse off tonight if I skipped it, who knows, I certainly don’t.

These ramblings create another cloud to float upon. I may talk utter nonsense, I may even repeat myself. I just wish this pleasant, cloud of candy floss would forever guide me over the tough, terrible and down right tedious bumps in the road. Potholes. Cavernous craters!